I cried writing this.

I refuse to let my tears fall, I refuse to be weak again. From this day forward, I wont cry. Ill do anything to make sure I dont. In my tears, I find myself giving up, giving in, letting go and breaking down. In my tears, I feel strength leaving my body. Many will beg to differ, and I often did for as long as I can remember. I once believed that when I cried, it didnt show weakness, but strength and bravery for not being afraid to cry. Last night, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while I was crying, and I hated who I saw. I saw myslef in pain, I saw myself hurting and craving happiness. My eyes were a deep blue, and in them I saw my shattered feelings sparkling at the edges. My eyes are ever only deep blue when Im really upset or when Im really happy. But its different. When theyre deep blue when Im really happy, you can see the happiness lighting up my eyes, giving them character and life. When Im really upset, the blue looks like it should be called "hurting blue" or something along those lines if it were a Crayloa crayon. You can just see the pain, as if my own life was being strangled in front of my eyes. I dont like that look. I dont like looking weak, afraid, torn, tattered and ruined. Im done crying, Im done looking like that. I want to look strong. Whether my feelings are shattered or not, my eyes wont give that away anymore. I will do anything, Ill find some way to not cry anymore. Ill turn my tears into anything, other than showing my pain.

devastation & beauty.

What does it mean to be devastatingly gorgeous? I was called that once. It confused me. Still does. Is it a good thing to be devastatingly beautiful? Should I have been insulted? No, I dont think so. But I feel weird. Maybe, it wasnt a compliment so much as a statement, a pure fact. That sounds conceited. I just mean that its not something I would say to someone to compliment them. Im not complaining though; not at all. It just gets me thinking every once in a while. Do I want to be devastatingly gorgeous? Its such an oxy-moron, that maybe they cancel eachother out, which would just make me a "Plain Jane". Maybe It means my beauty is envious, but I doubt thats the case at all. Its like the words "beautiful disaster." Two opposites, but they give each other more value, they make one another more prominent. A beautiful disaster might mean that beauty, or a silver lining, can be seen from a disaster. Or that even though everything is a mess, it still can have positive effects. So does that mean that someone who is devastatingly beautiful is a devastation, but theyre still gorgeous? Or does it mean that through the tragedy of them, something unbelieveable will come of it? Or is it possible that someone can be so beautiful, that it can cause someone else pain, but just the mere sight of it?
I dont know my opinion on this. I want to say that I do, but the fact of the matter is, I dont. Ive tried to make an opinion. But I need guidance, so if you have an idea on what it means to be devastatingly beautiful, please let me know.

i wanna wake up where you are.

Standing in the rain
or standing in the snow
I dont care where I am
As long as shes close

Im willing to wait,
And willing to hold on
She doesnt understand
That I wont be gone

I know shes afraid
i know she has walls up
But Im ready to prove
That she can feel love

the best days.

I just remembered what it was that I wanted to write about.

Im a senior in high school this year. And I cannot lie, I am terrified of this fact. Im not sure how Im going to get use to a new routine, after following this same one for the past thirteen years. Ill be starting a new life, practically. New place, new people, new strategies to surviving. All my friends ar getting accepted to colleges. The people Ive spent the past four years getting to know and love are going to be gone soon. We will each just be a memory to each other, though some of us may stay close. Its scary to think that some of the people I talk to every day, I wont even have contact with in a year or so. Ive gone through several schools, numerous best friends, tons of cliques, plenty of boy friends and girl friend, a fair share of drama and anything else a teenager can go through. Ive learned from teachers not only about education, but also about life. Ive experienced good and bad times. Ive dealt with nasty rumors, derogatory slang, complete assholes, and stuck up preps. Ive been bullied, and I have bullied. Ive passed on rumors that Ive heard. Ive been a complete asshole, and Ive been stuck up. Ive done things illeegally, and Ive done things legally. Ive been deprssed, and Ive been the happiest gril in the world. Ive been heart broken, and Ive broken hearts. Ive fallen in love, and been loved in return. Ive written essay upon essay of the American Revolution, and Mao Zedong, and Incan Empires, and more history topics. Ive disected pigs, frogs, owl pellets, deer hearts, worms and even a shark. Ive read To Kill A Mockingbird, and learned not to judge someone until I walked in their shoes. Ive read allegories like Animal Farm. Ive read memoirs like Angela's Ashes. Ive read journals, Like Ann Franks Diary, and learned about the hardship so many people go through, and how they manage to still somehow stay strong. Ive learned about quadratics, parabolas, sin, cos, and tan, and the Pythagorean Theorem. Ive taken state tests, Ive taken local tests, Ive taken the SATs. Ive learned how to cook and sew, Ive watched "The Movie" and Ive watched a birthing video. Ive played baskteball, softball, dodgeball, badminton, ultimate frisbee, and millions of other sports and games. Ive been in detention (once), Ive skipped classes, and Ive been late to classes. Ive written my name on the bathroom stall, Ive been "booked" and Ive been "pantsed". Ive played softball, Ive tried out for voleyball. Ive ran track for six years. Ive lost so epically, and cried with disapointment, and Ive won ribbons at sectionals, and gotten first place at dual meets. Ive spent friday nights with my friends, Ive spent friday nights alone. Ive lost friends because Ive changed, Ive gained some because Ive changed. I attempted to learn how to read music, and Ive played a cornet. Ive been in plays, and Ive been in talent shows. Ive gone on field trips, and Ive been to dances. Ive helped bottle drives, and Ive helped fundraisers. I smiled and laughed, fronwed and cried. Ive enjoyed life, and Ive hated it. Ive said I cant wait to grow up, and Ive heard the line "these are the best days of your life." Ive ignored that line, and Ive believed it to the very fullest.

& i love it when i see your face drop.

Its been a while. And I just thought of something I wanted to write about, but as soon as I got to this point, I forgot. So, instead, Ill post a couple poems I found from last year.


Everytime I see you
I feel butterflies
I want to show you
Who I am inside
I wish that I could know
How you feel for me
I never will, though
And we will never be.




You had me from the start
You had my beating heart
And I gave you all I had
But now Im taking it back
I loved you every second
I loved you til the end
I cried and cried for you
As my heart ripped in two
Ill miss you every day
But apart we will stay