Its unhealthy, my love for you.
Its so wealthy, my love for you.
I cant stop my love for you.
Nothing can top my love for you.
Wont let go of my love for you.
Tell me you know of my love for you.
I need you to say 'my love for you
Will always stay, my love for you.'
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
no angel as heavenly as you.
Like a sunset in July
As gorgeous as ever
Like fireworks in the sky
As they burst with color
Like a newborns soft cry
As it enters the world
Like a snowfall so white
In a winter so dead
Like a flowers first bloom
In the early of spring
Like a flawless full moon
In the quiet of night
But you must be aware
To you, these dont amount
Not even angels could compare
To your paradisiac being
As gorgeous as ever
Like fireworks in the sky
As they burst with color
Like a newborns soft cry
As it enters the world
Like a snowfall so white
In a winter so dead
Like a flowers first bloom
In the early of spring
Like a flawless full moon
In the quiet of night
But you must be aware
To you, these dont amount
Not even angels could compare
To your paradisiac being
Thursday, February 18, 2010
impressions arent generally right
Id sacrifice my beating heart before Id lose you.
I was under the wrong impression
When you said I was your life
I mistook each word you said
For a love deep and true
Now Ive learned a vital lesson
That words stab like a knife
And wounds that once bled
Will scar until youre new
I was under the wrong impression
When you said I was your life
I mistook each word you said
For a love deep and true
Now Ive learned a vital lesson
That words stab like a knife
And wounds that once bled
Will scar until youre new
Monday, February 8, 2010
what did you slip into my drink baby?
It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame,
but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby.
Thinking about gotta change my name,
If I'm gonna walk this walk of shame.
Look at what you do to me.
It's disgusting.
You constantly hurt me. But I always forgive you. I put you before myself all the time. I always care more about you being okay than myself, and I always try to please you before making myself happy. If being with you meant me being scared, I was willing to do just that. But you lied. Oh, you ruined it. You messed up to the maixum. You showed me how fucked up you really are. You showed me how much you really just dont care.
It truly is disgusting how if you showed up here right now, Id hug you. Id love you. Id want you to stay. Its horrible that I would be able to even kiss you. Its so wrong that I wouldnt mind you showing up here right now. Its bad, bad, bad that I still love you, after all that you've done.
I kept telling myself that you were masochistic for doing this. But now Im starting to see Im the one who enjoys the pain. Its as if I thrive off it. I need pain, otherwise I feel off. But then again, I shut down just to not feel the pain. And I hate it. I hate hurting, and I just want to be happy. And I know that Ill never be completely happy with you. Because Ive never been one who has been able to forget the past, and all of this would get in the way of us being okay. I want to be happy, and I know I deserve it. Even through every bad thing Ive done, I -know- I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be treated right, and I deserve to be happy.
Its disgusting how I love you. You could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, Id apologize for bleeding on your shirt. You could strangle me, and take the life from me, but my last words would be "I love you".
You keep saying you love me. That you'll do anything. But you said that all a week ago. You asked me what you could do to make it better. And then you told me what you did. And last night you told me you really didnt do it. How the fuck do I trust you? I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont trust you anymore. I dont even know if I can fathom the thought of trusting you with my life. Im beginning to honestly believe that if you had a choice, my life or yours, youd let me die. Im beginning to htink you owuld never protect me, because you just dont love me enough.
And unfortunately for you, even if you did show up here. It wont change things. Because I have made up my mind, and sealed the deal in my head. I am not going to be with you. Because all you do is hurt me. Even if you do love me, you odnt love me enough to make things better, and Im sorry to tell you that. But I just cant do it anymore. I cant even think of you without being terrified. And very often for the past 24, i havnt thought of you without being pissed off, angry, furious, frustrated, and completely let down.
I have yet to cry. I didnt even cry when you told me what you did last tuesday. Because Ive been that shut down, and Ive been that concerned about protecting myself. Because you honestly hurt me to the point, where if I let myself feel the immensity of this pain, I dont think I could handle it. So Im shutdown, and until Im moving on, Ill say shutdown. Crying over you is something I cant do anymore. The tears are just wasted every time; nothing ever gets better.
Its disgusing how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame,
but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby.
Thinking about gotta change my name,
If I'm gonna walk this walk of shame.
Look at what you do to me.
It's disgusting.
You constantly hurt me. But I always forgive you. I put you before myself all the time. I always care more about you being okay than myself, and I always try to please you before making myself happy. If being with you meant me being scared, I was willing to do just that. But you lied. Oh, you ruined it. You messed up to the maixum. You showed me how fucked up you really are. You showed me how much you really just dont care.
It truly is disgusting how if you showed up here right now, Id hug you. Id love you. Id want you to stay. Its horrible that I would be able to even kiss you. Its so wrong that I wouldnt mind you showing up here right now. Its bad, bad, bad that I still love you, after all that you've done.
I kept telling myself that you were masochistic for doing this. But now Im starting to see Im the one who enjoys the pain. Its as if I thrive off it. I need pain, otherwise I feel off. But then again, I shut down just to not feel the pain. And I hate it. I hate hurting, and I just want to be happy. And I know that Ill never be completely happy with you. Because Ive never been one who has been able to forget the past, and all of this would get in the way of us being okay. I want to be happy, and I know I deserve it. Even through every bad thing Ive done, I -know- I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be treated right, and I deserve to be happy.
Its disgusting how I love you. You could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, Id apologize for bleeding on your shirt. You could strangle me, and take the life from me, but my last words would be "I love you".
You keep saying you love me. That you'll do anything. But you said that all a week ago. You asked me what you could do to make it better. And then you told me what you did. And last night you told me you really didnt do it. How the fuck do I trust you? I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont trust you anymore. I dont even know if I can fathom the thought of trusting you with my life. Im beginning to honestly believe that if you had a choice, my life or yours, youd let me die. Im beginning to htink you owuld never protect me, because you just dont love me enough.
And unfortunately for you, even if you did show up here. It wont change things. Because I have made up my mind, and sealed the deal in my head. I am not going to be with you. Because all you do is hurt me. Even if you do love me, you odnt love me enough to make things better, and Im sorry to tell you that. But I just cant do it anymore. I cant even think of you without being terrified. And very often for the past 24, i havnt thought of you without being pissed off, angry, furious, frustrated, and completely let down.
I have yet to cry. I didnt even cry when you told me what you did last tuesday. Because Ive been that shut down, and Ive been that concerned about protecting myself. Because you honestly hurt me to the point, where if I let myself feel the immensity of this pain, I dont think I could handle it. So Im shutdown, and until Im moving on, Ill say shutdown. Crying over you is something I cant do anymore. The tears are just wasted every time; nothing ever gets better.
Its disgusing how I love you.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
a valentines day story.
"Come on guys! Theres only one week until Valentines Day! Send a Valentine to that special someone!" The cheerleader's peppy voice rings throughout the lobby, only to be ignored by most of the students there.
Every year its the same; the cheerleaders sell Valentines to students, who have them sent to the person they like. And every year, girls end up crying because their crush didnt send one to them, or guys end up fighting because they sent one to the same girl. And every year, I get one from my best friend, because she knows I wont get one from any guy.
Dont get me wrong, I love Trish to death, but the fact that she sends me one every year is just a constant reminder that I dont have a real Valentine. The first couple years, I would get my hopes up and tell myself that it would be different this time. After the second year, I decided it was safest not to even want a Valentine. Now, it's my senior year, and Trish just walked back to me from the cheerleaders and their over decorated table. She winks at me, and we both laugh while she sits down. Just as I start to ask her who she sent one to this year (other than me), David, her crush walks over. They had been talking a lot the whole year, but he had had a girlfriend. Not anymore.
"Hey Trish," he said, and I saw her face turn a slight pink, before she quickly got herself back together.
"Whats up?" She asked in a casual tone. It was obvious to me that she didn't want him to see how nervous she was, and juding by his smirk, it was obvious to him, too.
"I saw you at the Valentine Table. Got a special someone in mind?"
"Oh, maybe. Guess we'll just have to wait until everyone gets their cards tomorrow, huh?" At that, he grinned and nodded his head.
"Ill catch ya later."
She turned to me, all of the red finally rushing to her face. She was smiling so big, and though I want her happy, part of me was jealous. Why dont any of the guys in this school like me? Why cant I get a Valentine, for just once in my life? But I quickly pushed the thoughts from my head, knowing full well that when I think that way, I end up disappointed when the cards get handed out.
The next morning, I walked into my homeroom, late as usual. But something that was unusual, was that instead of one card sitting on my desk, there were two. The little square envelopes, one pink and one red, had little hearts all over them, and so much glitter that they could almost blind you if you tilted them the right way under the fluorescent lights. I opened the pink one first, knowing it was from Trish. She always used a pink envelope. It was the same every year.
Happy Valentines Day.
WHO NEEDS A GUY?
It'll be more fun
to grow old with
YOUR BEST FRIEND!
I giggle silenty at her nerdy line, and put the car back in the envelope. But as I hold the red one in my hand, I cant find the courage to open it. What if its a joke? What if its someone gross or weird? By the time first period is over, I hadnt even lifted the seal. I was way too nervous. I left the classroom after announcements, and walked down the hall, my mind only on the little red envelope. When Trish saw me, she noticed the look on my face, and glanced at my hands. Noticing the extra Valentine, she ran to me, jumping up and down.
"Who is it?" She suealed.
"I...I dont know."
"A secret admirer!?" She got even more excited.
"No...I havnt even opened it yet," I stammered.
"What?!"
"Im too nervous. You do it." I shoved the card at her, and she carefully opened it.
"Oh. My. God." My heart flew into my throat. The look on her face didnt give anything away, and I ripped the card from her hands. I read the words out loud, confusion and frustration growing in my voice.
I want you to be mine
On this Valentines Day.
So meet me tonight
At the theater, Ill pay.
Who is this you ask,
Youll find out at eight.
Dont worry how you look,
You always look great.
I stare at the card, and Trish giggles.
"Who do you think it is?"
"I dont know," I say, running through the guys in my head, trying to think of any that might possibly like me.
"Well, youll find out at eight!" I look at her, at a loss for words. The bell rings, singaling me being late to second period, and Trish takes off down the halway.
I trudge to my class, and deal with the dirty look I receive from the teacher, while taking my seat at the back of the class. I spend that period, along with every other one, staring at the clock, tapping my pencil on the desk, wondering who on earth it could possibly be. I become paranoid as guys look at me, and as every guy I usually talks to says hey. During lunch, I read a book to keep my thoughts and eyes distracted. But it barely helps. As I think about it, the most important question soon isnt 'Who is it,' but rather 'Am I going to go?'
But of course Im going to go. Not only will Trish make me, but once we get back to my house, shell blab to my mom who will also make me. And not only that, but I want to know who it is. But then again, curiosity killed the cat. But screw the cat, I want to know who it is. And If its a joke, or someone weird, then Ill deal with that when it comes to it. But for now, I have a Valentine.
Sure enough, trish told Mom, and Mom is ecstatic. They both spend two hours getting me "all dolled up" for my first date, and when 7:45 rolls around, they hustle to get me out the door and to the theater. As Trish and I get out of the car, Mom turns to me, and I swear I saw tears in her eyes.
"Have fun, sweetie. You look gorgeous. Call me if you need anything."
"Yeah, Mom. See you later."
As she pulls away, Trish begins to speak.
"David is waiting for me. If you need me, text me. And text me when you find out who it is!" In a flash, shes gone, and I see her hugging David on the opposite side of the theater lobby. They walk toward the ticket booth holding hands, and I begin to play with my necklace as the nerves kick into overdrive. I glance at my phone after a few minutes, and it says 8:03. As soon as I start to worry about being stood up, I hear a familiar voice call my name.
"Molly!" As soon as I turn around, I understand the feeling that Trish got yesterday at lunch when David talked to her. Could it possibly be true, that the boy I had secretly had a crush on for the past two years really liked me too? "I was scared you wouldnt show up," he said, looking at his feet.
"Im here." I smiled, and began to worry if I was as red as I felt.
"Im nervous too," he confessed, guessing my thoughts. I looked up and and he smiled, grabbing my hand. "What movie do you want to see?"
As we walked to get our tickets, all I could think about was how unbelievable all of this was. Nick Matthews liked me, wanted me to be his Valentine, was taking me to a movie, and better yet-holding my hand! We walked into our theater, and surprise, surprise; Trish and David were in the same one. When she caught sight of who was holding my hand, her jaw dropped. I felt myself fill with pride and self esteem.
The movie was good...or at least the parts I watched were. No, we didnt spend the whole time sucking face. But we spent a lot of the time talking in hushed voices, and soon we decided we should just leave and go somewhere else. We were more interested in learning about eachother than the movie.
By the end of the night, we had talked about so much, that I felt like I had known him my whole life. I told him so much about me, that he knew almost as much as Trish did.
As the night grew darker, we decided it would be best to head home. He drove me home, and even walked me to my door. The porch light was generously left on by my mom, who was no doubtedly waiting and probably even peaking. He said the cliche lines of "I had such a great time, and I'd really like to do it again," but then, he said something I didnt expect.
"I really like you, Molly. I have, and I hope you like me too. So Im wondering one more thing. Since you were already my Valentine, how about making it more permanent and be my grilfriend?" I felt my jaw drop, and I was sure he could hear the thudding of my heart, just trying to get out of my chest to say yes.
"Yes!" I said, attempting to hide my excitement, but failing horribly. He grinned, and right then and there, on my door step, as it started snowing, Nick kissed me. It was my first kiss, which was something he didnt know. But it was the most amazing first kiss ever, one that could definitely go in a fairytale.
Every year its the same; the cheerleaders sell Valentines to students, who have them sent to the person they like. And every year, girls end up crying because their crush didnt send one to them, or guys end up fighting because they sent one to the same girl. And every year, I get one from my best friend, because she knows I wont get one from any guy.
Dont get me wrong, I love Trish to death, but the fact that she sends me one every year is just a constant reminder that I dont have a real Valentine. The first couple years, I would get my hopes up and tell myself that it would be different this time. After the second year, I decided it was safest not to even want a Valentine. Now, it's my senior year, and Trish just walked back to me from the cheerleaders and their over decorated table. She winks at me, and we both laugh while she sits down. Just as I start to ask her who she sent one to this year (other than me), David, her crush walks over. They had been talking a lot the whole year, but he had had a girlfriend. Not anymore.
"Hey Trish," he said, and I saw her face turn a slight pink, before she quickly got herself back together.
"Whats up?" She asked in a casual tone. It was obvious to me that she didn't want him to see how nervous she was, and juding by his smirk, it was obvious to him, too.
"I saw you at the Valentine Table. Got a special someone in mind?"
"Oh, maybe. Guess we'll just have to wait until everyone gets their cards tomorrow, huh?" At that, he grinned and nodded his head.
"Ill catch ya later."
She turned to me, all of the red finally rushing to her face. She was smiling so big, and though I want her happy, part of me was jealous. Why dont any of the guys in this school like me? Why cant I get a Valentine, for just once in my life? But I quickly pushed the thoughts from my head, knowing full well that when I think that way, I end up disappointed when the cards get handed out.
The next morning, I walked into my homeroom, late as usual. But something that was unusual, was that instead of one card sitting on my desk, there were two. The little square envelopes, one pink and one red, had little hearts all over them, and so much glitter that they could almost blind you if you tilted them the right way under the fluorescent lights. I opened the pink one first, knowing it was from Trish. She always used a pink envelope. It was the same every year.
Happy Valentines Day.
WHO NEEDS A GUY?
It'll be more fun
to grow old with
YOUR BEST FRIEND!
I giggle silenty at her nerdy line, and put the car back in the envelope. But as I hold the red one in my hand, I cant find the courage to open it. What if its a joke? What if its someone gross or weird? By the time first period is over, I hadnt even lifted the seal. I was way too nervous. I left the classroom after announcements, and walked down the hall, my mind only on the little red envelope. When Trish saw me, she noticed the look on my face, and glanced at my hands. Noticing the extra Valentine, she ran to me, jumping up and down.
"Who is it?" She suealed.
"I...I dont know."
"A secret admirer!?" She got even more excited.
"No...I havnt even opened it yet," I stammered.
"What?!"
"Im too nervous. You do it." I shoved the card at her, and she carefully opened it.
"Oh. My. God." My heart flew into my throat. The look on her face didnt give anything away, and I ripped the card from her hands. I read the words out loud, confusion and frustration growing in my voice.
I want you to be mine
On this Valentines Day.
So meet me tonight
At the theater, Ill pay.
Who is this you ask,
Youll find out at eight.
Dont worry how you look,
You always look great.
I stare at the card, and Trish giggles.
"Who do you think it is?"
"I dont know," I say, running through the guys in my head, trying to think of any that might possibly like me.
"Well, youll find out at eight!" I look at her, at a loss for words. The bell rings, singaling me being late to second period, and Trish takes off down the halway.
I trudge to my class, and deal with the dirty look I receive from the teacher, while taking my seat at the back of the class. I spend that period, along with every other one, staring at the clock, tapping my pencil on the desk, wondering who on earth it could possibly be. I become paranoid as guys look at me, and as every guy I usually talks to says hey. During lunch, I read a book to keep my thoughts and eyes distracted. But it barely helps. As I think about it, the most important question soon isnt 'Who is it,' but rather 'Am I going to go?'
But of course Im going to go. Not only will Trish make me, but once we get back to my house, shell blab to my mom who will also make me. And not only that, but I want to know who it is. But then again, curiosity killed the cat. But screw the cat, I want to know who it is. And If its a joke, or someone weird, then Ill deal with that when it comes to it. But for now, I have a Valentine.
Sure enough, trish told Mom, and Mom is ecstatic. They both spend two hours getting me "all dolled up" for my first date, and when 7:45 rolls around, they hustle to get me out the door and to the theater. As Trish and I get out of the car, Mom turns to me, and I swear I saw tears in her eyes.
"Have fun, sweetie. You look gorgeous. Call me if you need anything."
"Yeah, Mom. See you later."
As she pulls away, Trish begins to speak.
"David is waiting for me. If you need me, text me. And text me when you find out who it is!" In a flash, shes gone, and I see her hugging David on the opposite side of the theater lobby. They walk toward the ticket booth holding hands, and I begin to play with my necklace as the nerves kick into overdrive. I glance at my phone after a few minutes, and it says 8:03. As soon as I start to worry about being stood up, I hear a familiar voice call my name.
"Molly!" As soon as I turn around, I understand the feeling that Trish got yesterday at lunch when David talked to her. Could it possibly be true, that the boy I had secretly had a crush on for the past two years really liked me too? "I was scared you wouldnt show up," he said, looking at his feet.
"Im here." I smiled, and began to worry if I was as red as I felt.
"Im nervous too," he confessed, guessing my thoughts. I looked up and and he smiled, grabbing my hand. "What movie do you want to see?"
As we walked to get our tickets, all I could think about was how unbelievable all of this was. Nick Matthews liked me, wanted me to be his Valentine, was taking me to a movie, and better yet-holding my hand! We walked into our theater, and surprise, surprise; Trish and David were in the same one. When she caught sight of who was holding my hand, her jaw dropped. I felt myself fill with pride and self esteem.
The movie was good...or at least the parts I watched were. No, we didnt spend the whole time sucking face. But we spent a lot of the time talking in hushed voices, and soon we decided we should just leave and go somewhere else. We were more interested in learning about eachother than the movie.
By the end of the night, we had talked about so much, that I felt like I had known him my whole life. I told him so much about me, that he knew almost as much as Trish did.
As the night grew darker, we decided it would be best to head home. He drove me home, and even walked me to my door. The porch light was generously left on by my mom, who was no doubtedly waiting and probably even peaking. He said the cliche lines of "I had such a great time, and I'd really like to do it again," but then, he said something I didnt expect.
"I really like you, Molly. I have, and I hope you like me too. So Im wondering one more thing. Since you were already my Valentine, how about making it more permanent and be my grilfriend?" I felt my jaw drop, and I was sure he could hear the thudding of my heart, just trying to get out of my chest to say yes.
"Yes!" I said, attempting to hide my excitement, but failing horribly. He grinned, and right then and there, on my door step, as it started snowing, Nick kissed me. It was my first kiss, which was something he didnt know. But it was the most amazing first kiss ever, one that could definitely go in a fairytale.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)