It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame,
but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby.
Thinking about gotta change my name,
If I'm gonna walk this walk of shame.
Look at what you do to me.
It's disgusting.
You constantly hurt me. But I always forgive you. I put you before myself all the time. I always care more about you being okay than myself, and I always try to please you before making myself happy. If being with you meant me being scared, I was willing to do just that. But you lied. Oh, you ruined it. You messed up to the maixum. You showed me how fucked up you really are. You showed me how much you really just dont care.
It truly is disgusting how if you showed up here right now, Id hug you. Id love you. Id want you to stay. Its horrible that I would be able to even kiss you. Its so wrong that I wouldnt mind you showing up here right now. Its bad, bad, bad that I still love you, after all that you've done.
I kept telling myself that you were masochistic for doing this. But now Im starting to see Im the one who enjoys the pain. Its as if I thrive off it. I need pain, otherwise I feel off. But then again, I shut down just to not feel the pain. And I hate it. I hate hurting, and I just want to be happy. And I know that Ill never be completely happy with you. Because Ive never been one who has been able to forget the past, and all of this would get in the way of us being okay. I want to be happy, and I know I deserve it. Even through every bad thing Ive done, I -know- I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be treated right, and I deserve to be happy.
Its disgusting how I love you. You could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, Id apologize for bleeding on your shirt. You could strangle me, and take the life from me, but my last words would be "I love you".
You keep saying you love me. That you'll do anything. But you said that all a week ago. You asked me what you could do to make it better. And then you told me what you did. And last night you told me you really didnt do it. How the fuck do I trust you? I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont trust you anymore. I dont even know if I can fathom the thought of trusting you with my life. Im beginning to honestly believe that if you had a choice, my life or yours, youd let me die. Im beginning to htink you owuld never protect me, because you just dont love me enough.
And unfortunately for you, even if you did show up here. It wont change things. Because I have made up my mind, and sealed the deal in my head. I am not going to be with you. Because all you do is hurt me. Even if you do love me, you odnt love me enough to make things better, and Im sorry to tell you that. But I just cant do it anymore. I cant even think of you without being terrified. And very often for the past 24, i havnt thought of you without being pissed off, angry, furious, frustrated, and completely let down.
I have yet to cry. I didnt even cry when you told me what you did last tuesday. Because Ive been that shut down, and Ive been that concerned about protecting myself. Because you honestly hurt me to the point, where if I let myself feel the immensity of this pain, I dont think I could handle it. So Im shutdown, and until Im moving on, Ill say shutdown. Crying over you is something I cant do anymore. The tears are just wasted every time; nothing ever gets better.
Its disgusing how I love you.
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