daddys never at my meets.

I need to write about something that is hurting me. I run track, my best friends know this, my family knows this, people I barely know, know this. Its about the only thing Im truly good at. When my friends have games, matches or any sort of competitions, I try my hardest to go and watch them; to support them. But see, though I continuously went out of my way to go to every one of a best friend's wrestling matches, he is too busy getting high to come watch and support me. That pisses me off.
But what really hurts, is every year Ive done track, and my dad always finds excuses to not show up, or he just doesnt show up because he is home watching TV or sitting on his computer. My mom goes to every one of my meets, she takes off work on tuesdays just so she can watch my races. And that honestly means a lot to me. But my dad...he doesnt ever show up unless I beg him or tell him he has to be there. It hurts that he wont support me, it makes me feel like Im not good enough for him. Its as if even though Im doing something productive and active, its not the production he wants me to make, its not the activities he wants me to take part in. It hurts me that he cant take time out of his day to watch his daughter do something shes good at. He doesnt show up, has no support. Sure, he asks how I did, but if he really cared, why doesnt he just show up at the meet? Especially when the meet is only 3 minutes away. I dont know where this is going. I just needed to say how much it hurts me that he doesnt support me, doesnt watch my meets. Im really good at it, and I feel like he doesnt see that. Ive had my name in the paper for it, and he doesnt realize it. He doesnt understand that this is something Im good at, its something I can do, and its something I enjoy immensely. It just tears me apart a little bit that he doesnt support and watch my races.

this time ill be bulletproof.

Its that new crush feeling. You know, the one where you just can't think of anything but that one special person? Its one of the greatest feelings in the world. EVerything is so fresh and new, so innocent and, well, still perfect. Everyone knows that the feeling fades with time, the innocence is replaced with a little guilt here and there, and the perfection gets cracked and scratched. We risk so much, falling in love. But I believe you risk more by not taking that chance at love. Dont be stupid, just be strong. Everyone is going to get hurt, no matter what. Its your strength, though, that determines if you'll move on, or if you'll suffer. Personally, Im done suffering. If I get hurt again, okay, fine. It will ruin me for a while, but Ill get through it. Maybe alone, or maybe with someone.
Love can conquer so much. Its truly incredible the power it can have on a person. It can change lives, it can move mountains, it can part seas, it can walk miles. With just a little bit of love, you can make it through any obstacle in your path. The smallest ounce of love can push you a long ways, and pick you up, no matter how far down you are. Dont let love be the thing that kills you, let it be the thing that brings you alive, again and again and again.

kayla.

Her favorite colors teal
She was born in december
And she can make me feel
Like lightning after thunder

She says things will be okay
She always goes with the flow
She knows just what to say
To get my smile to glow

She kisses my forehead
She holds me under the stars
"Wanna dance?" she first said
And I fell in to her arms

untitled.

The clouds rolling by
The wind blowing through the trees
I look around at it all
But youre all I see

My hair in my face
The sun dancing on my skin
I inhale the fresh air
Youre all I want then

The birds singing songs
The crickets humming melodies
I hear the sweet music
Now youre all I need

if its possible.

If its possible to be infinite,
I want you to show me.
If its possible to heal wounds,
I want you to fix me.
If its possible to clear scars,
I want you to prove it.
If its posisble to feel love,
I want you to give it.

questions i ask myself.

We get mad when others betray us, but how is it that we can still do the same to them?

We promise ourselves not to let our feelings get involved, but how do we always end up hurt?

We keep secrets from the world, but why do we always want someone to figure it out?

We say we can only trust ourselves, but why do we always end up breaking our own trust?

We have hopes, goals, and dreams, but why do we always let things get in the way?

We know what causes the problem, but why cant we ever let go of it and make it go away?

We tell others how to be happy, and give them advice, but why dont we practice what we preach?

We tell ourselves we wont let it ever happen again, but why do we always let it anyway?

We fear others hurting us, but in reality, they should be fearing us. Why?

We say we know what we want and where were going, but how can we ever really know?

We collect our thoughts in a peacful place but why dont we always do it peacfully?

summer love.

Blue skied memories
Filled with children's laughs
Green colored trees
And old photographs

You held my hand
And showed me the way
You helped me stand
Until that last, sad day

Confessions of love
In the summer time heat
Clouds floating above
Dirt gravel under feet

They say that your first
Never truly goes away
Maybe thats why I thirst
For those summer days

i dont want to be like you.

I dont want to be like you.
Im a monster, what can I do?
I hurt everyone that I love;
Look at me, Im just like you.

Selfish, inconciderate bitch.
Not just a monster, also a witch.
I lie and cheat and betray;
How did I become this bitch?

I feel cruel and heartless.
Everyday I make a mess.
I screw up everyone's life;
Why do I act so heartless?

These were once your evil ways;
Hurting others through the days.
Somehow, you rubbed off on me.
And now I act act these evil ways.

As much as I hate it, I cry and cry.
Im left every day, failing when I try.
I dont want to be like you;
Like the monster who makes people cry.

whos to blame?

Angry words like broken glass.
Pouring rain, she drove too fast.
The corners curve took her life;
My new best friend will be this knife

No last 'I love you' as she parted.
And now Im left broken hearted.
Theres plenty of blame to go around;
But its my fault shes underground

I am nothing without her love.
Im to blame when push comes to shove.
So, sweet crimson, set me free;
Her last breath will be the death of me.

buttons.

Memories. I saw a button on the ground today. Its crazy; the things we forget but one tiny thing can bring it all back in an instant. This button was white, four holes in the center. The edge of the button had a gold colored trim. It was next to a rock, mixed in with the pebbles and dirt.
Flashback. Im in Emily Price's kitchen, and on a shelf, there are buttons. A lot of buttons. Small ones, big ones, purple ones, green ones. Some had one hole, others two or four. Some had decorative trims, or unique patterns, others were dull and plain. I asked her "whats with all the buttons?" She tells me her father collects them.
Buttons. They hold thigns together at the seams. They fall of and things get lossened up. They tighten and give things character. Theres so many people in the world, who hold others together at their seams. I have family and friends who are my buttons that keep me together. They are thebuttons that give me character. They are buttons that sometimes fall off, leaving me vulnerable. But there are always other buttons willing to take the place of a lost button, willing to make mends to the loose material and thread everything back together, in its correct place.

finding happiness.

I do believe its time that I wrote a new blog. Ive been thinking quite a bit these past few days, and twice since Ive been on my vacation, Ive wanted to hurt. But Im starting to see things a little differently. Im starting to believe in happiness, and more importantly, myself.
Before the other night, id been hoping, praying Id meet someone who makes me happy. But at the same time, I didnt want that; for several reasons. Mainly, I felt undeserving of happiness, and I still kind of do. I had set rules for myself-rues that I would not allow myself to break. These rules said I wouldnt feel for another person, wouldnt let a person feel for me. I was determined to have control of myself, and not let myself be happy anymore, because i remembered being "happy" and it wasnt all it was cracked up to be-or so it seemed. But, the other night, I let my guard down. And I realized that sometimes you have to lose control to find what youve been missing.
I guess all this time, Ive been missing happiness-true happiness. But I think Im on my way to finding that true happiness. Just the thought of it tastes so sweet, the thought itself is mesmerizing. I cant believe how quickly and easily its already happening. I didnt know it could ever be this easy. If i had, maybe I would have tried sooner to find it, maybe I would have let people in. But then again, if I had done that, everything would be different now. And I really kind of like the things are right now. I like where I'm at in life, I like where Im going. I have plans, goals, dreams and intentions that I plan on acting on. I know what I want, and Im convinced on getting just that.