finding happiness.

I do believe its time that I wrote a new blog. Ive been thinking quite a bit these past few days, and twice since Ive been on my vacation, Ive wanted to hurt. But Im starting to see things a little differently. Im starting to believe in happiness, and more importantly, myself.
Before the other night, id been hoping, praying Id meet someone who makes me happy. But at the same time, I didnt want that; for several reasons. Mainly, I felt undeserving of happiness, and I still kind of do. I had set rules for myself-rues that I would not allow myself to break. These rules said I wouldnt feel for another person, wouldnt let a person feel for me. I was determined to have control of myself, and not let myself be happy anymore, because i remembered being "happy" and it wasnt all it was cracked up to be-or so it seemed. But, the other night, I let my guard down. And I realized that sometimes you have to lose control to find what youve been missing.
I guess all this time, Ive been missing happiness-true happiness. But I think Im on my way to finding that true happiness. Just the thought of it tastes so sweet, the thought itself is mesmerizing. I cant believe how quickly and easily its already happening. I didnt know it could ever be this easy. If i had, maybe I would have tried sooner to find it, maybe I would have let people in. But then again, if I had done that, everything would be different now. And I really kind of like the things are right now. I like where I'm at in life, I like where Im going. I have plans, goals, dreams and intentions that I plan on acting on. I know what I want, and Im convinced on getting just that.