SEX IS DRAMA.
thats all that needs to be said.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
they call me heartbreaker.
Ive been in two "real" relationships. But Ive also had other girls who Ive had flings with. First, there was Penny. She broke my heart. My next girlfreind was Aubrey. We were only together for a month, and it wasn't much of a relationship. Then there was Maria. I broke her heart. She was the first heart I broke. Then there was Kyri. I never hated myself so much as the day I broke her heart. Then there was Ash, and I broke her heart, too. I shattered it. Then Penny showed up again...guess whos heart got broken that time? Hers. I left her, because of one stupid fight. And now, she thinks Im still interested, but how do I tell her Im not? Itll hurt her again. And then theres Heather. Ive never really been protective with any girls Ive liked, but with Heather, I get the urge to hurt anyone that hurts her, and I just want to protect her. But she doesnt know that Ill hurt her, so I stand off, I dont let her get close to me. Because all I am is a heartbreaker. Ive had my heart broken a few times, but in all reality, I deserved it every time. Because I broke their heart first.
So its no wonder I fear this new relationship that is starting. This new flame, that is burning bright reds and yellows and oranges. Its such a beautiful flame, and I dont want it to go out. But knowing me, somehow, Ill pour water all over it. So understand, when I start to pull away, thats just because I dont want to hurt anyone ever again. They call me heartbreaker, but Im out to prove them wrong. Once a heartbreaker...not always a heartbreaker. I hope...
So its no wonder I fear this new relationship that is starting. This new flame, that is burning bright reds and yellows and oranges. Its such a beautiful flame, and I dont want it to go out. But knowing me, somehow, Ill pour water all over it. So understand, when I start to pull away, thats just because I dont want to hurt anyone ever again. They call me heartbreaker, but Im out to prove them wrong. Once a heartbreaker...not always a heartbreaker. I hope...
remembering.
One year ago today, she told me she couldnt be with me. She had me at hello, and then she let me go. I found out she was seeing my ex, the one Id left for her, who was also my bestfriend. I found out that they had been going behind my back. I found out the both were lying and backstabbing me, that karma was biting me in the ass. What do you do when the one you love, use to lvoe you...but now loves the one you use to love? That was what I constantly asked myself. I never found the answer though, instead, I turned heavily to cutting. I spent a month in solid depression, shutdown to the point of not having feelings at all. I remember reading Ash's text to Kyri. "Im falling for you too, oh god, i am." It sucks, how easily we remember that stuff, isnt it? When I read the text, I began to shake. I put the phone back in the pocket of the car door and Kyri walked out of the house and got in the car. We had been okay, that day.
I turned to her and asked "Are you falling for her?"
Her reply was simply "No."
So I asked "Is she falling for you?"
And this is when I almost lost it...she said "I dont think so."
"Have you told her youre falling for her?"
"Why would I?"
"Has she said shes falling for you?"
"Not that I remember."
This is when my eyes began to water, and I began to tremble, and she could see it, Im sure. "Kyri. Has she said shes falling for you?"
"I dont know! Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I have to go."
"What? Why?"
I dont exactly remember the few words that were said between that and when I walked away. But I feel like I said something about her lying to me, about how I couldnt do this anymore. I walked down her driveway, and across the tracks. I found a piece of glass and carried it with me all the way to Cemetery Hill. Kyri and Ash and even EM were texting me, trying to figure out where I was. Kyri thought I was going to jump off the bridge, so she told Em and Ash that, I guess, because they both thought thats what I was going to do. After Kyri threatened to call my dad, I told her where I was. I sat, and cried, and screamed, and cut and bled. Then Kyri found me, and held me. And I started to feel okay. But I was still furious.
And I dont remember if the next thing was before this, or after this (but Im pretty sure it was after). Kyri and I were at Aubreys. And Kyri kept asking me the names of streets around us. And I guessed that the reason was because she wanted to see Ash. But I let it go, and tried not to think about it. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back down, Kyri was gone. Aubrey said she had gone for a walk. Knowing fdamn well what I was getting myself into, I headed down the street, and when I looked down the corner I saw them, together. I couldnt handle it. I ran back to Aubreys, collapsed on the floor, and started screaming and crying. It was the worst breakdown I'd ever had. People were walking through the room, staring at me. And all I could do was scream and cry, so loud that Ash and Kyri could hear me down the road, a block and a half away.
Sometmes, I feel like if I write about bad memories, it cleanses my thoughts of those memories for a while. Ugh. Sometimes, though, I can still feel that pain that I had that day. The emotions on high as I screamed and Aubrey held me. Sometimes, when I want to feel pain, I almost wish I could go back and relive that moment. Then I wouldnt have the physical scars, just the emotional ones that no one can ever see, no matter how closely they look at me.
I turned to her and asked "Are you falling for her?"
Her reply was simply "No."
So I asked "Is she falling for you?"
And this is when I almost lost it...she said "I dont think so."
"Have you told her youre falling for her?"
"Why would I?"
"Has she said shes falling for you?"
"Not that I remember."
This is when my eyes began to water, and I began to tremble, and she could see it, Im sure. "Kyri. Has she said shes falling for you?"
"I dont know! Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I have to go."
"What? Why?"
I dont exactly remember the few words that were said between that and when I walked away. But I feel like I said something about her lying to me, about how I couldnt do this anymore. I walked down her driveway, and across the tracks. I found a piece of glass and carried it with me all the way to Cemetery Hill. Kyri and Ash and even EM were texting me, trying to figure out where I was. Kyri thought I was going to jump off the bridge, so she told Em and Ash that, I guess, because they both thought thats what I was going to do. After Kyri threatened to call my dad, I told her where I was. I sat, and cried, and screamed, and cut and bled. Then Kyri found me, and held me. And I started to feel okay. But I was still furious.
And I dont remember if the next thing was before this, or after this (but Im pretty sure it was after). Kyri and I were at Aubreys. And Kyri kept asking me the names of streets around us. And I guessed that the reason was because she wanted to see Ash. But I let it go, and tried not to think about it. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back down, Kyri was gone. Aubrey said she had gone for a walk. Knowing fdamn well what I was getting myself into, I headed down the street, and when I looked down the corner I saw them, together. I couldnt handle it. I ran back to Aubreys, collapsed on the floor, and started screaming and crying. It was the worst breakdown I'd ever had. People were walking through the room, staring at me. And all I could do was scream and cry, so loud that Ash and Kyri could hear me down the road, a block and a half away.
Sometmes, I feel like if I write about bad memories, it cleanses my thoughts of those memories for a while. Ugh. Sometimes, though, I can still feel that pain that I had that day. The emotions on high as I screamed and Aubrey held me. Sometimes, when I want to feel pain, I almost wish I could go back and relive that moment. Then I wouldnt have the physical scars, just the emotional ones that no one can ever see, no matter how closely they look at me.
cant stand it.
Its bad, I know. I really like her. Honestly, I think about her all the time, and I miss her and I wish I could be with her right now. But everyone who knows me, knows that I believe once you love someone, you always love them, at least a little bit. I was in love before...as you all know. But things didnt work out, we were always meant to say goodbye. And now...shes met someone new and I know this. This new girl, shes pretty ugly, and thats not just my...jealousy speaking. Thats in total honesty. Like seriously, she looks stoned and tired and fat in all her pictures. But thats all besides the point. Im jealous. I dont get it. She always said I was the only girl shed be with, that I was the love of her life. And now shes moving on. I mean, thats good. Thats really good. I dont want her still having feelings for me, because Im really not going to be with her. I cant, and I dont want to. But for some reason my jealousy bubbles when I think about her and this other girl. Ugh. I almost left a message on this girls facebook. I wanted to say "she was mine first, and youll never understand her or love her like i did"... but of course I didnt. Because she isnt mine anymore, and I dont want to be hers or her, mine. I know exactly what I want. But why, then, do I get so jealous? And why am I so selfish as to not even want to be her friend anymore, because it hurts too much? Am I allowed to be selfish? Maybe I need help. I know everyone is selfish at times...but I dont like how selfish I always am. I dont like that about me one bit. Im moving on, and Im happy with my new girl...but the jealousy is still there, and then that makes me feel guilty. I cant stand who I am. I hate who I am.
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