remembering.

One year ago today, she told me she couldnt be with me. She had me at hello, and then she let me go. I found out she was seeing my ex, the one Id left for her, who was also my bestfriend. I found out that they had been going behind my back. I found out the both were lying and backstabbing me, that karma was biting me in the ass. What do you do when the one you love, use to lvoe you...but now loves the one you use to love? That was what I constantly asked myself. I never found the answer though, instead, I turned heavily to cutting. I spent a month in solid depression, shutdown to the point of not having feelings at all. I remember reading Ash's text to Kyri. "Im falling for you too, oh god, i am." It sucks, how easily we remember that stuff, isnt it? When I read the text, I began to shake. I put the phone back in the pocket of the car door and Kyri walked out of the house and got in the car. We had been okay, that day.
I turned to her and asked "Are you falling for her?"
Her reply was simply "No."
So I asked "Is she falling for you?"
And this is when I almost lost it...she said "I dont think so."
"Have you told her youre falling for her?"
"Why would I?"
"Has she said shes falling for you?"
"Not that I remember."
This is when my eyes began to water, and I began to tremble, and she could see it, Im sure. "Kyri. Has she said shes falling for you?"
"I dont know! Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I have to go."
"What? Why?"

I dont exactly remember the few words that were said between that and when I walked away. But I feel like I said something about her lying to me, about how I couldnt do this anymore. I walked down her driveway, and across the tracks. I found a piece of glass and carried it with me all the way to Cemetery Hill. Kyri and Ash and even EM were texting me, trying to figure out where I was. Kyri thought I was going to jump off the bridge, so she told Em and Ash that, I guess, because they both thought thats what I was going to do. After Kyri threatened to call my dad, I told her where I was. I sat, and cried, and screamed, and cut and bled. Then Kyri found me, and held me. And I started to feel okay. But I was still furious.

And I dont remember if the next thing was before this, or after this (but Im pretty sure it was after). Kyri and I were at Aubreys. And Kyri kept asking me the names of streets around us. And I guessed that the reason was because she wanted to see Ash. But I let it go, and tried not to think about it. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back down, Kyri was gone. Aubrey said she had gone for a walk. Knowing fdamn well what I was getting myself into, I headed down the street, and when I looked down the corner I saw them, together. I couldnt handle it. I ran back to Aubreys, collapsed on the floor, and started screaming and crying. It was the worst breakdown I'd ever had. People were walking through the room, staring at me. And all I could do was scream and cry, so loud that Ash and Kyri could hear me down the road, a block and a half away.

Sometmes, I feel like if I write about bad memories, it cleanses my thoughts of those memories for a while. Ugh. Sometimes, though, I can still feel that pain that I had that day. The emotions on high as I screamed and Aubrey held me. Sometimes, when I want to feel pain, I almost wish I could go back and relive that moment. Then I wouldnt have the physical scars, just the emotional ones that no one can ever see, no matter how closely they look at me.