saying goodbye

I say goodbye knowing things have changed
A tear rolls down my face
I hate the way things ended
I hate the way we are now

I use to tell you anything (everything)
But now I deal with pain
What happened to me and you?
Why have you left me alone?

Was it something I said?
Or maybe something I did?
Where did that feeling go?
The one that I had for you
It use to give me butterflies
Use to make me smile
But now its all gone

Like fire, memories burn in my mind
You use to be so kind
Gave all I possibly could
But you refused to take it

Now I wish we could have it all back (all of it)
Do you ever want that?
And someday I wont miss you
And soon the pain will subside

Was it something I said?
Or maybe something I did?
Where did that feeling go?
The one that I had for you
It use to give me butterflies
Use to make me smile
But now its all gone

I say goodbye
Why do things change?
Tears roll down my face

sooo old.

Bare walls surround me
Once covered with memories
I feel so lonely now
But I dont know how
Ive cried for days and days
Searched for several ways
To make the tears stop
But they continue to drop
Such a perfect friendship
Has taken a one way trip
Such a love so strong and deep
Has taken a never returning leap
Your voice still rings in my ears
But it no logner calms my fears
The way you held me close
The way you wanted me most
Ill never forget any of it
And Ill never regret one single bit
You were always the one
But Ill be okay with it done
You deserve better anyway
But Ill think of you every day

past tense.

With you I felt so high
Despite my fear of heights
I felt invinceable
I felt

Wuth you I liked the rain
Even though I preferred the sun
I liked so many things
I liked

With you I loved the days
Even though night was prettier
I loved life
I loved

With you I tasted youth
And all its innocence and freedom
I tasted every flavor
I tasted

With oyu I saw the light
To every darkened day
I saw myself
I saw

With you I thought of life
And all its mysterious
I thought of fun
I thought

With you I knew everything
Even though I asked questions
I knew friendship
I knew

I felt you
I liked you
I loved you
I tasted you
I saw you
I thought you
I knew you

Notice how its all past tense?

april 2009.

Hold Me

How did this happen?
Its so crazy to think.
Who knew this could be?
Who knew you'd want me?

Guess life has its way
Of taking you by surprise.
So hold me close to you
Hold me the whole night through.

We'll cherish this moment
Dont want to let go.
All I can think is wow,
This is right, right now.

from september 08?

If I could fix all your problems I would
Because youre my bestfriend
No matter how the pges turn
No matter how the pages turn

I wouldnt expect you to be perfet
But you already are
Your flaws, they attract me
Your flaws, they attract me

So long as youre around
You pick me up, dust me off
When Im on the ground
Make me feel better
Whipe my dirty knees
With your clean shirt
Whipe my bleeding mascara
With you white sleeves

And what makes you so, so good
Is that youre strong til the end
A lesson Ive come to learn
A lesson Ive come to learn

With all my sould I trust youll protect
My love, life and heart
Keep you safe with me
Keep you safe with me

So just come hold me close now
Tell me you feel the same
Always be my best friend
Always be my best friend

for chris.

My friend Rachel has a friend, who lost the one she loved in a bad car accident. His name was Chris. I never met him.


One moment shes breathing air
And the next she isnt there
The things she left behind
Every memory in my mind
She use to smile and laugh
But now its all in the past
She had dreams and plans
Everything in reach of her hands
How do we learn to cope
How do we ever hope
When I know shes gone for good
And things dont go the way they should
But the only hope I have
The only cure for the past
It it was good while it lasted
And she'd be strong if this happened

negotiations.

If you dont care
Then why should I.
If you dont hurt
Neither do I.
If youve forgotten
So should I.
If you give up
I wont try.
If you dont need me
I wont cry.
If you dont want me
I can get by.
If you dont love me
Tell me, dont lie.
If you wont miss me
Then this is goodbye.

train.

In the quiet of the night,
The train whistle screams.
I close my eyes so very tight,
The tears never stopping it seems.
But what do I expect
After all that Ive done?
Ive created a shipwreck
And now I wanna run
For the door, for the road.
Life could be better, or so im told.
I just wanna leave the memory of you behind,
And find myself a peace of mind.
I wanna start over, fresh and new.
I want the pain to be gone along with you.
The cries from the train begin to fade
And I start to dry my tears.
Tomorrows a brand new day
And Im sure Ill meet new fears.

growing older together.

Its just a teenage love
Thats what your daddy says
But the point is its love
And were gonna be okay

I can see us growing older (together)
So lay your head on my shoulder (forever)
ANd we'll watch the world pass by
Uncontrollable force, pulling us through time

Its becoming such a mess
Thats what youre tellin me
But trust me happiness
Is a more permanent feeling

Oh, and just because we fight
Doesnt mean to let go
Baby I swear this is right
Believe me, cause I know

Were gonna grow older (together)
Your head always on my shoulder (forever)
Were just watchin the world pass by
A love more uncontrollable than time

I can see us growing older (together)

Why?

You smiled in her face and stabbed her in the back.
You bit the hand that feeds you, ran her off the track.
She held you when you needed it, and wiped away your tears.
She wanted just to love you, and calm all your fears.
But in the end, her heart was broken.
Those three words never again spoken.
The love of her life left her alone.
The pain in her heart hard like stone.
All because you lied to her face and to other girls.
But her love wont die, for you were, and still are her world.
Why?

distance kills.

Your face in my mind, its conned to rote
As days pass by, I make a mental note
Although shes not around, Im still in her heart
Although I cant hear a sound, her heart beats for me
And I think about you, and how life will be
I dont like this war, we need an end to this start
Every moment takes you further away
Im left with cold nights and long days

my teacher loved this one. haha.

If I walked away, would you follow?
If I jumped, would you hold my hand?
Would you sit with me when I felt low?
And if I fell of my feet, would you help me stand?
If I looked you in the eyes and told you the truth,
Would you look me in mine and say it too?

drive away.

I just wanna drive away
You in the passenger seat
Tell me, do you wanna drive away
And sit in the passenger seat?

They say we'll never work out
They say we dont know what we want
I say they dont know what theyre talkin bout
And baby, I know youre what I want

The road is there
We can just take off
Baby, look at the road there
You and me, lets take off

You can go on with your planned out life
And I can keep my dreams building
Or we could save dreams for the night
And make our own future, you and me

I just wanna drive away
You in the passenger seat
Tell me, do you wanna drive away
And sit in the passenger seat?

The road is there
We can just take off
Baby, look at the road there
You and me, lets take off

I just wanna drive away with you

youd do the same for me.

You cover it all up with something fake
A smile, a laugh, every day
You think everyone is convinced
But that look in your eye, I havnt missed

I can see youre fighting urges inside
Try all you want, but from me they dont hide
Let me be the one to know
Tell me it all, just let it go

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there


You just keep pleasing everyone else
Youre making everyone happy but yourself
You think nobody will understand
But baby, trust me, just hold my hand

I can see youre fighting urges inside
Try all you want, but from me they dont hide
Let me be the one to know
Tell me it all, just let it go

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

In your voice, U hear your plead
Something that says you want to bleed
But theres people whod hate to see you like this
So remove the blade away from your wrist

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

All because I love you, and I know youre gonna be there.

twilight.

I wrote this after eading Twilight.



Your eyes burned into mine
Like a forest fire
But I couldnt look away
And Ill never be the same

You say youre dangerous
Youre like a wild flower
Alluring its prey
And I cant stay away

When you pass me
I feel like I could fly
And you ask me
What if Im the bad guy
You tell me Im unreadable
But theres something you dont know

You smile and I just stare
You touch my skin
And I feel electricity
You completely dazzle me.

Its as if you can hear my heart
When you kiss my lips
With you I know Im safe
And Im not afraid

When you pass me
I feel like I could fly
And you ask me
What if Im the bad guy
You tell me Im unreadable
But theres something you dont know

Youtell me Imyour life now
And my scent is like a drug to you
You say the scarlett on my cheeks
Keeps you going strong

So heres that thing you dont know

You pass me
And I feel like I could fly
You ask me
What if Im the bad guy
And before you ever think to go
Theres one more thing you should know
Youre my hero.

leave lonely alone.

Shell never know I cried
When shewalked out the door
Shell never know I lied
When I said there wasnt more

Now her eyes are locked on mine
And I bite back my tears
Now her eyes hould fade in time
And alone Ill face my fears

old poems again.

Just some things I wrote last february.


Cant think straight
I can see you there
I see you stare
This is too great


I want more than friendship
I need more than that
I want you to be mine
I need to have you
Please want all that I want
Tell me you need it too


You can be as mad as a mad dog
But in the end,
Its still going to be the same


Please tell me this is a good truth
And not too good to be true

just a song.

When youre starin at her
And you can see it in her eyes
That shes holding back
But shes dying to tell you
What shes feeling inside
And all that shes hiding

When youre holding her hand
And you can feel it in the air
That things are ending
But still you go and tell her
What youre feeling inside
And all that youve been hiding

And as she walks away
Rain will fall from cloudy eyes
And as she fades away
Rain will fall from sunny skies
And as she moves on
Your world will fall to pieces
And as days go on
Your love only increases

So when youre holding her
And you feel her heart beating
That sweet rhythmic song
But you know she'll be leaving
What else is there to do
But remember that tune

And as she walks away
Rain will fall from cloudy eyes
And as she fades away
Say goodbye to sunny skies
And as she moves on
Your world will fall to pieces
And as days go on
Her love just decreases

he will heal your heart.

"I hate you. You ruined my life. Leave me the fuck alone."
"No. You don’t hate me. You love me, you said you always will, remember? You’re just saying that to protect yourself. You love me. I’m not going anywhere. I promised Id never leave."
"Fine, but I’m walking away."
"I’ll be waiting."

The near scolding hot water burns as Beth steps into the bathtub, and slides down to lay on her back. She glimpses at the edge of the tub, and sees the shiny silver. Her skin turns red as the water flows from the faucet. Extending her arm, she takes the razor into her hand, and feels the sharp edge softly pressing against her palm. She plays with it, staring at it, mesmerized by the way the light dances on it. Placing it between her thumb, pointer and middle finger, her hand sinks under the water. She pushes the razor firmly into her thigh, and drags it slowly. She lifts it from her skin and repeats- again and again and again, watching the red liquid mix with the clear liquid.
Everytime it starts the same; she only intends on a few scrapes, but then addiction takes over. Soon, she decides it’s not bleeding enough. She looks at her wrist, at the blue lines that bulge under her skin, marking rivers of blood covered by a canopy of skin. She pushes the corner of the razor in to the vein, and slides it down, but not deep enough to bleed. She turns the razor in a different direction on her wrist, making a small ladder up the veins, little dashes marking each step. This time she lets the crimson pain leak out. She plunges her wrist under water, feeling the hot ater burn the wounds.
And just the same, this isn’t enough either. But a year of this has taught her the perfect way to bleed. She sits up a little, so that her hip is out of the water. She quickly slashes the razor repeatedly across her hip, and the blood immediately pours from the open skin. Turning her body, she stares that the scar on her other hip where she branded herself as horrible. She traces over the word lightly, and watches the blood bead on the top of her skin. Then, she slices over the word several times, until the it is barely visible through the swollen, red and torn skin.
She drops the razor, and it sinks quickly to the bottom of the tub. Routinely, She stands from the water, and wraps a towel around her. She heads to her bedroom and gets dressed into her running clothes, boy shorts this time to cover any reminance of the pain she was feeling, not only physcially, but in every other way possible. She checks her phone one last time- no texts, no phone calls. The words spoken to her the night before were becoming more and more believable.
She leaves her weapon of choice under the phone, and the picture of them that mocks her continuously, right next to it.

Beth steps out into the cold, and snow flakes dance around her, bumping into her face as they tango with one another. She walks to the end of the driveway and turns left. Her legs carry her as fast as they can, but she hasn’t eaten in two days, and she hasn’t had water in three. Body shaking, stomach heaving, head pounding, lungs struggling, muscles fighting, she pushes forward, punishing herself with every ounce of. Soon, her fingers are numb, and her legs are red and purple from the harsh winds and her blood -what's left of it- trying to keep her warm. But she can’t stop now, the urge to run from everything is greater than any pain she's feeling.
The highway greets her with speeding cars and raspy mufflers. She stops; catching her breath, thinking twice about thinking twice on her decision. The sun warms her back, and nudges her forward. With one last glance at her seemingly perfect small town behind her, she takes off down the highway.
She runs until her legs give way, finding a place to rest under an overpass. Her body shivers, the sun no longer there to comfort her. She looks at her Ipod-her only way of knowing time, as if it mattered anymore anyway. She had been running for two and a half hours now, and she wasn’t about to give up just yet. Sitting soon became a bad idea, as thoughts flooded her mind. Watching the cars fly past her, she comes up with a new plan.
'The next car that goes by...' she tells herself.
The long strip of highway is silent for a few moments, as if giving her a chance to reconsider, but when she hears the rumbling of a truck getting closer, she stands. In seconds its five feet away, and she steps into its path. The driver swerves, the back bumper just touching her hip, knocking her over onto the asphalt. Breaks squeal as the truck pulls to the side of the road, and the driver gets out, screaming. It’s a man. And he’s yelling her name.
"Beth! Beth, what are you doing?!"
She lies in the road, staring at the bridge over her head, and she realizes she cant feel an ounce of pain. As a matter of fact, she cant feeling anything at all. But before she knows it, the man, who she discovers is a stranger, is picking her up in to his arms. She feels warm moisture dripping down her head, and she reaches up to touch it. Pulling her fingertips away form the liquid, she stares at it, astonished by how much blood is covering her fingers. He pulls her into his truck, and she feels the warm air blasting on her face from the heaters, and she realizes he's tlaking to her.

"What were you doing?"
"I don’t want to live."
"Too bad.”
"But she hates me."
"No, she doesn’t."
"You don’t even know who I’m talking about."
"Beth, Leah does not hate you."

She’s shocked.

"Who are you?"
"You are loved, Beth. You are loved, and you have plenty of people to care for you. And I will always take good care of you. I will always be here, even when it seems impossible that I am."
"Who are you?"

Beth's head begins to spin, and her words begin to drift from her mouth, and she grows silent as she falls asleep.
When she wakes up, she’s in her bed. She looks around her, shocked and confused. She gets up, still dizzy, and stumbles to her mirror. Her head is fine, there’s no blood. She looks closer though, and sees a small scar, just along her hair line. Pulling up her shorts, she finds that her cuts are gone, not even a single scar visible. She sits on her bed, as a million thoughts race and play tag through her head.
She can’t seem to come to any conclusion of what happened, or who the man was, or how she was here. But theres two thing shes sure of; she’s done with this. She will no longer bleed out her pain, no longer take her anger out on herself, and mark up who she was. The pain was hard, and most of the time unbearble, but if she kept this up, the scars would always remind her of that pain. Now, however, she had a chance to start over, a chance to make things right with herself. And she was going to take that chance, no questions asked. And the last thing thats for sure, God loves her, and he saved her.

dear god, are you there? its me.

Im praying to a God I dont believe in.



Why arent you ever heere to help me? Honestly, how am I suppose to keep going and believe in you if you dont give me reason, or more importantly, faith? Im falling, but your dangling a rope in front of me. However, that rope is turning into string. So tell me, what happens when that thin piece of string rips in two? Im having trouble believing in you, God. I use to believe that you only gave us problems you thought we were strong enough to handle. But I feel so weak. I feel all shaky, and Im losing the energy to keep going. And its not that everything keeps going wrong, its just that I feel empty. Ive never felt so hollow before. Ive never felt so alone. Ive felt this depressed before, but never so alone while dealing with it.
Why cant I feel you? Why wont you let me know youre here for me? Im starting to think youre not. That you wont be anymore.

I need help. I dont want it, but I need it. I need faith, I want faith. I need love. I need hope. I need happiness.

I dont deserrve any of that, but I need it.

Please God, if you really care, if you really love me...please help me.

when everything feels like the movies.

They say bad things happen for a reason.
But no wise words gonna stop the bleedin.



Why is it that the promises that Ive made to people that meant the most to them, seem to not mean anything to me? Key word: seem. They seem to not mean anything, however, they do. The promise I made to my friend Tyler, it means something to me. I swear it does. The promise I continuously made to Kyri. I broke it. She knows, she understands. I dont make that promise anymore. But I made that promise to Tyler, and I broke it. I break it all the time. And evertime, it makes me want to keep going, to do it more.
I cant help it. It is my drug, and at the same time, my anti-drug. Id rather do it than drink, or get stoned, or shoot up heroine. Id rather do it than anything else when Im upset, when Im hurt. It calms me down, makes me breathe. It brings me back to reality, and lets me know Im still alive, even though everything is hurting. It lets me know Im still alive even when I feel like Im dead.
I love running my fingertips over fresh wounds, feeling where the skin was split, then watching the beautiful crimson trickle out. I love seeing the little red beads of liquid appear on my skin, just before it turns into a dripping path. I love feeling the burn everytime I move for the first few days after a new mark.
I hate the scars that stay for months, reminding me why I did it. Reminding me that Im weak, and cowardly. I hate disappointing everyone, and letting everyone down, so I usually dont tell anyone. But then I hate lying, and keeping it from them. But most of all, I hate knowing that I need help, but I dont -want- help.
I try not to. I always fight the urge. I always fight and fight, but sometimes, most of the time, it gets me in a head lock, and I cant get out. It takes control of my body, and then it releases me, with each glide of the metal. But I need people to know its not that the promises mean nothing to me. Im just too weak to keep that promise. And it kills me to know Im too weak, it kills me when I break that promise, and that just makes me want to do it more. Maybe someday, Ill be ready to make that promise and keep it. Im counting on that.

life sentence.

I am not a good person in many ways.
My first real relationship was a mess to say the least. Yes, I loved her. More than a young love would be thought possible. But I was very possesive. I got mad at everything she did that somehow would put anything or anyone before me. I was jealous of every girl she made eye contact with. We fought constantly about her still having feelings for her exes, which she always denied. Part of me always knew she loved me, but part of me always doubted the faithfulness. Then I took Psychology and learned why. The answer is, when someone in a relationship picks fights, and has distrust in the other, its ebcause they feel guilty about something theyve done, so they worry that other person is going to do the same thing. So, because I had feelings for other people while she and I were together, how could it be possible for her to not have feelings for anyone else too? And then I started to get mad at myself. How could I love her so much yet be so unfaithful (only in my mind; I never cheated on her)?
OUr first summer together, I went away to summer camp. I met a girl named Alex. We didnt do anything. We almost kissed. I had a crush on her. I told my girlfriend about it, and we worked through it. Everything was okay.
Then, after a year, I found myself attracted to a girl named Emily. She was two years older than I, and at first, it was just me looking up to her, like a role model. But after I began to spend time with her, I began to develop feelings for her. And soon, I learned those feeligns were very mutual. We would talk about being together if we were both ever single in the future. We would flirst constantly. But we always stayed strong. Until one night, just a few days before she left for college, we were watching a movie on my couch. My legs were draped over her lap, and she began running her finger tips along my legs (I was wearing shorts). She made her way further up every few minutes, evenually reaching fabric, which she did not go under. Soon, she pulled her hand away as I pulled my legs away, and we talked about it. We knew we could not go any further. And then the next time was for me to tell my girl friend, and fix things with her.
Before the movie ended, I had Emily drive me to my girl friend's house. She wasnt home. She was at her Aunts house. The doors were locked, and it was 9 pm. But I sat outside, against the side of the house, waiting. Around midnight her and her dad rolled up. She jumped out of the car, confusion and worry flooding her facial expressions. I was crying, and she escorted me to her room, where she layed me down in her bed and began to take care of me; rubbing my back, putting blankets on me, telling me she loved me, trying to calm me down. She had no idea why I was crying. I just kept telling her to stop, I didnt deserve it; I didnt deserve her. Finally, I told her what happened. She was hurt, of course, but she held me. She LOVED me. Still.
Now, youre thinking, 'everyone makes mistakes'. So, okay, yes, I made one mistake. But let me tell you some more. A couple weeks later, I broke up with her. Not because I felt bad, or because we fought, or anything like that, but because I wanted to have sex with Emily. In conclusion of this paragraph, I am a whore.
We ended up getting back together. I realized that something was wrong with me breaking up with her for that reason. I realized I loved her too much to leave her for someone I had a crush on. I realized, for the first time ever, that I was a horrible person.
We lasted five more months, until I met another girl, named Ashley. Within two nights we were talking about having sex. Within five nights we were telling eachother that we liked each other. Within a week, naughty pictures were being exchanged through text, and within two weeks, I broke up with my girlfriend, to be with Ash. After a few weeks, I changed my mind. I hurt Ash, in order to take back my ex. But things were rough, and we only lasted a couple weeks, until I decided I needed to not be with anyone. But then I started talking to an old friend, who was gay. Her name was Rachel. Soon enough, she and I were together, and my ex was convinced I had left her for Rachel, while Ash was convinced I used her, and was now moving on to someone else to use. But Rachel and I didnt last long before things between Ash and I started back up. Not to mention that the couple weeks I was back with my ex, I was still flirting with Ash, and even sending pictures...not so very faithful of me. But I never cheated. Anyway, things with Ash and I heated up quickly yet again, and we were together, but not quite. Everything was going great, or so I thought. However, Ash and my ex had started talking. And now, finally, Ill introduce you to my ex. Her name is Kyri. Kyri and Ash had been talking. I knew Kyri liked Ash's best friend. And I was beginning to get suspicious of her liking Ash. But I knew Ash loved me. I knew Kyri didnt stand a chance with Ash. Until Kyri told Ash how I broke up with her to have sex with Emily. Ash, doing the very sane and smart thing, ran from me. But where did she run? Right into Kyri's arms. Ouch. Okay. I deserved that, did I not? I did. I really did. Because, I wasn't good enough for Ash. And I had hurt both her and Kyri. SO they could find solace in eachother...and I would understand that, no matter how literal that statment ended up.
However, after a while, they soon saw the pain I was gouing through, and because theyre better people than I am, they broke it off. They stopped everything. Ash and I began to fix things, and Kyri and I began to rekindle our friendship. Soon, Ash and I were in a relationship. And soon, I fucked everything up again by fucking Kyri. Yes, folks, I cheated. A few times. On her birthday, was the one time I remember the most. Not because it was so memorable or anything like that. But because I knew how horrible I was because it was my girlfriends birthday, and I was fucking someone else. I couldnt be with her. I broke up with her, made up excuses why. But I didnt tell her the truth because I was a coward. After the summer passed, and mroe flings happened that I hid from her, we decided to try again. We didnt last long before she moved away, and I broke up with her. I broke up with her because I had so many secrets that I hadnt told her, and I coudnt be in a relationship with her while the guilt ate away at me.
After that, I tired to make her hate me, because I didnt want to be with her, and hurt again. I had decided that I didnt want to ever be in a relationship again because I was too damn horrible and undeserving of that kind of love. Soon, I told her about cheating on her. We worked through it. And some how, she still loved me. But we remained just friends. But like always with her and I, we ended up back at the beginning. I wanted to be with her again, but I knew I had to make the slate clean. So I told her the otherhorrifying secrets I had. The betrayal and lies I had been keeping from her. I can't tell you what those things were, but they were right up there with the cheating. It could possibly even be considered worse. I would consider it worse.
We worked through it. We were together. We made it a month. One whole month. The longest we had ever made it. And I broke up with her. We got in one small fight, and I ended it. Because I am a coward. Because I am not good enough for her. Because I am unworthy of the love that she gives me, and continues to give me even though were not together.
I am a horrible person. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever been in. I have cheated, lied, betrayed and broken promises. I have been ungrateful, selfish, and rude. I have been everything I would hate in someone else. I have been a horrible person. I do not believe that I deserve love, or happiness.
I believe I deserve life, as my punishment. A long life. A long, lonely life. My punishment, my sentence. I deserve life, because I am horrible, and life is tortorous, especialy alone.

minor details.

She knows every mark on her lover's body.
She knows the yellow spots in her deep blue eyes, the left one more vibrant and visible than the right one.
She knows the way the cartelidge at the top of her left ear stays closed, unlike everyone else's ears.
She knows the white birth mark, that trails from the middle of her ribs, down her stomach, into the shape of rainbow, around her left side, up her back, and down her left arm, twisting around to her under arm, stopping just above her elbow.
She knows the small, dark birth mark, in the shape of a fish on her left hip bone.
She knows the white blotchy birth mark on the back of her right calf.
She knows the small, dark birth mark, just to the right of her belly button, and the freckle just to the left of it.
She knows her freckles; the one on her neck, the one on her chin, the one on her wrist, the one on her right big toe, the one on her right calf, the ones on her shoulders, and the one just near her right elbow.
She knows the mole on her right thigh, along her bikini line, and the one at the top of her butt, on the right side.
She knows every scar, from the short line between her ribs, to the parallel lines on her thighs. She knows the scars that line her pelvis, and the ones that darken her hips. She knows the scar on her left pointer finger, right at the last knuckle. She knows the one on the inside of her right wrist, and the one that looks like a sad face on her right palm. She knows the ones on her knees, and the ones on her ankles, and the ones on both shins. And she knows the one that is just a darkened circle around her right elbow.
She knows every curve and bump, every perfection and flaw, of her lover's body.
As she kisses her, and touches her, she takes in all of these details. She memorizes them. For one day, they could be gone.

self hatred.

Im on edge today. Im ready to snap. Im afraid that I will snap in school. Im afraid that Ill break down during school. So much of me wants to run and hide. But Im resisting. I feel horrible. I am horrible. Im so not a good person. I feel like the exact person Ive always hated. The kind of person that Ive always been afraid of. Im turning into what I fear, and I cant stand it.
Last night I did something to someone I swore I wouldnt do. I broke that promise, the one that meant so much to her. And I dont know how to think or feel right now. Everything is so confusing. I cant seem to sort through my own thoughts long enough to even breathe. Im sorry, that I broke this promise. Im sorry Im not who I said I was and that Im not the person I wish I could be. Im changing, and I despise this fact.
I dont understand why everything is so hard right now. I dont understand why I cant ever be content, and I cant ever be just happy. I always find something wrong with me or the other people around me. But more so with just me lately. Everyday I find a new thing I dont like about myself. But damn, Ive been doing a good job lately at hiding my self loathing. Its sad, really, how easily I can put on a smile and pretend Im okay with who I am. Its sad that sometimes I even convince myself that everything is okay, and thats its normal to be hurting while wearing a smile.
I dont know where this is going. I just needed to write. I havnt been doing it nearly enough lately. I miss it. I miss who I use to be. When I loved who I was. When I was okay with myself and my querks and flaws. But this new me, this worthless, self hating, lying, bitch that Ive become, is not someone I want anything to do with. And thats one of the weirdest feelings in the world. Not wanting anything to do with yourself. I wish I could leave myself alone. That I could make myself go away.
I wish I was okay.

acceptance.

Have you ever had a bad experience, that you thought would ruin your life? You thought it would tear you apart, and shred you to pieces, and leave you to die, and rot on the floor, only for your carcass to be eaten by a pack of wolves? Ive had those moments. Ive experienced that feeling. And lately, theres been a struggle between a close one and I that revolves around that moment. She doesnt understand that the wolves never ate my carcass. That I am-no doubtedly-still in one piece; uncracked, and unharmed. Every piece is in its designated place.
When it all happened, I was scared. I thought it was the end. End of what, I dont know. But I cried. It wasnt a sobbing, bawling my eyes out kind of cry. It was a soft, realization kicking in kind of cry. These were tears my eyes rarely had encountered. I sat there, on the little bed, my feet dangling. I stared at the tiled floor, eyes locked in place. I was terrified, and the questions spinning around in my head only scared me more. What would people think? How did this happen? What will I do? But the question that was most vivid in my head, that was screaming, that I was asking myself repeatedly was: Why me?
It could have happened to anyone. Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? I thought about this. I racked my brain for weeks. What the hell did I do to fucking deserve this?! I was a good kid. I was happy before this. Why me? My thoughts wouldnt leave me alone. My thoughts had stolen a car, and were speeding dangerously fast, just managing to not hit every object as they drove. But then it happened. And I dont know why.
They hit a brick wall.
The thoughts stopped. I forgot it happened. Let me restate that so you understand, and can grip what I am saying. I forgot what had happened. I FORGOT the pain. I forgot the thoughts, the questions, the fears, the worries. I forgot it all. Acceptance set in, with its own grace and elegance. I accepted what happened, and I was finally okay. Yes, its something I will live with the rest of my life. But everything that has ever happened to me is something I will live with for the rest of my life, so why should this one bad thing make any bit of a difference? It shouldnt, and Ive made the decision not to let it. I have accepted what happened. I have accepted that it is a part of me now. It doesnt change me, or who I am, or the person I have been or will be.
I accepted it. I dont know how I did, I dont even recall the actual act of accepting it. I guess it-"it" meaning the acceptance-crept in on its own, and decided to take the wheel of the hi-jacked car. The airbag cushioned the blow, so I was okay. I am okay.