self hatred.

Im on edge today. Im ready to snap. Im afraid that I will snap in school. Im afraid that Ill break down during school. So much of me wants to run and hide. But Im resisting. I feel horrible. I am horrible. Im so not a good person. I feel like the exact person Ive always hated. The kind of person that Ive always been afraid of. Im turning into what I fear, and I cant stand it.
Last night I did something to someone I swore I wouldnt do. I broke that promise, the one that meant so much to her. And I dont know how to think or feel right now. Everything is so confusing. I cant seem to sort through my own thoughts long enough to even breathe. Im sorry, that I broke this promise. Im sorry Im not who I said I was and that Im not the person I wish I could be. Im changing, and I despise this fact.
I dont understand why everything is so hard right now. I dont understand why I cant ever be content, and I cant ever be just happy. I always find something wrong with me or the other people around me. But more so with just me lately. Everyday I find a new thing I dont like about myself. But damn, Ive been doing a good job lately at hiding my self loathing. Its sad, really, how easily I can put on a smile and pretend Im okay with who I am. Its sad that sometimes I even convince myself that everything is okay, and thats its normal to be hurting while wearing a smile.
I dont know where this is going. I just needed to write. I havnt been doing it nearly enough lately. I miss it. I miss who I use to be. When I loved who I was. When I was okay with myself and my querks and flaws. But this new me, this worthless, self hating, lying, bitch that Ive become, is not someone I want anything to do with. And thats one of the weirdest feelings in the world. Not wanting anything to do with yourself. I wish I could leave myself alone. That I could make myself go away.
I wish I was okay.