when everything feels like the movies.

They say bad things happen for a reason.
But no wise words gonna stop the bleedin.



Why is it that the promises that Ive made to people that meant the most to them, seem to not mean anything to me? Key word: seem. They seem to not mean anything, however, they do. The promise I made to my friend Tyler, it means something to me. I swear it does. The promise I continuously made to Kyri. I broke it. She knows, she understands. I dont make that promise anymore. But I made that promise to Tyler, and I broke it. I break it all the time. And evertime, it makes me want to keep going, to do it more.
I cant help it. It is my drug, and at the same time, my anti-drug. Id rather do it than drink, or get stoned, or shoot up heroine. Id rather do it than anything else when Im upset, when Im hurt. It calms me down, makes me breathe. It brings me back to reality, and lets me know Im still alive, even though everything is hurting. It lets me know Im still alive even when I feel like Im dead.
I love running my fingertips over fresh wounds, feeling where the skin was split, then watching the beautiful crimson trickle out. I love seeing the little red beads of liquid appear on my skin, just before it turns into a dripping path. I love feeling the burn everytime I move for the first few days after a new mark.
I hate the scars that stay for months, reminding me why I did it. Reminding me that Im weak, and cowardly. I hate disappointing everyone, and letting everyone down, so I usually dont tell anyone. But then I hate lying, and keeping it from them. But most of all, I hate knowing that I need help, but I dont -want- help.
I try not to. I always fight the urge. I always fight and fight, but sometimes, most of the time, it gets me in a head lock, and I cant get out. It takes control of my body, and then it releases me, with each glide of the metal. But I need people to know its not that the promises mean nothing to me. Im just too weak to keep that promise. And it kills me to know Im too weak, it kills me when I break that promise, and that just makes me want to do it more. Maybe someday, Ill be ready to make that promise and keep it. Im counting on that.