life sentence.

I am not a good person in many ways.
My first real relationship was a mess to say the least. Yes, I loved her. More than a young love would be thought possible. But I was very possesive. I got mad at everything she did that somehow would put anything or anyone before me. I was jealous of every girl she made eye contact with. We fought constantly about her still having feelings for her exes, which she always denied. Part of me always knew she loved me, but part of me always doubted the faithfulness. Then I took Psychology and learned why. The answer is, when someone in a relationship picks fights, and has distrust in the other, its ebcause they feel guilty about something theyve done, so they worry that other person is going to do the same thing. So, because I had feelings for other people while she and I were together, how could it be possible for her to not have feelings for anyone else too? And then I started to get mad at myself. How could I love her so much yet be so unfaithful (only in my mind; I never cheated on her)?
OUr first summer together, I went away to summer camp. I met a girl named Alex. We didnt do anything. We almost kissed. I had a crush on her. I told my girlfriend about it, and we worked through it. Everything was okay.
Then, after a year, I found myself attracted to a girl named Emily. She was two years older than I, and at first, it was just me looking up to her, like a role model. But after I began to spend time with her, I began to develop feelings for her. And soon, I learned those feeligns were very mutual. We would talk about being together if we were both ever single in the future. We would flirst constantly. But we always stayed strong. Until one night, just a few days before she left for college, we were watching a movie on my couch. My legs were draped over her lap, and she began running her finger tips along my legs (I was wearing shorts). She made her way further up every few minutes, evenually reaching fabric, which she did not go under. Soon, she pulled her hand away as I pulled my legs away, and we talked about it. We knew we could not go any further. And then the next time was for me to tell my girl friend, and fix things with her.
Before the movie ended, I had Emily drive me to my girl friend's house. She wasnt home. She was at her Aunts house. The doors were locked, and it was 9 pm. But I sat outside, against the side of the house, waiting. Around midnight her and her dad rolled up. She jumped out of the car, confusion and worry flooding her facial expressions. I was crying, and she escorted me to her room, where she layed me down in her bed and began to take care of me; rubbing my back, putting blankets on me, telling me she loved me, trying to calm me down. She had no idea why I was crying. I just kept telling her to stop, I didnt deserve it; I didnt deserve her. Finally, I told her what happened. She was hurt, of course, but she held me. She LOVED me. Still.
Now, youre thinking, 'everyone makes mistakes'. So, okay, yes, I made one mistake. But let me tell you some more. A couple weeks later, I broke up with her. Not because I felt bad, or because we fought, or anything like that, but because I wanted to have sex with Emily. In conclusion of this paragraph, I am a whore.
We ended up getting back together. I realized that something was wrong with me breaking up with her for that reason. I realized I loved her too much to leave her for someone I had a crush on. I realized, for the first time ever, that I was a horrible person.
We lasted five more months, until I met another girl, named Ashley. Within two nights we were talking about having sex. Within five nights we were telling eachother that we liked each other. Within a week, naughty pictures were being exchanged through text, and within two weeks, I broke up with my girlfriend, to be with Ash. After a few weeks, I changed my mind. I hurt Ash, in order to take back my ex. But things were rough, and we only lasted a couple weeks, until I decided I needed to not be with anyone. But then I started talking to an old friend, who was gay. Her name was Rachel. Soon enough, she and I were together, and my ex was convinced I had left her for Rachel, while Ash was convinced I used her, and was now moving on to someone else to use. But Rachel and I didnt last long before things between Ash and I started back up. Not to mention that the couple weeks I was back with my ex, I was still flirting with Ash, and even sending pictures...not so very faithful of me. But I never cheated. Anyway, things with Ash and I heated up quickly yet again, and we were together, but not quite. Everything was going great, or so I thought. However, Ash and my ex had started talking. And now, finally, Ill introduce you to my ex. Her name is Kyri. Kyri and Ash had been talking. I knew Kyri liked Ash's best friend. And I was beginning to get suspicious of her liking Ash. But I knew Ash loved me. I knew Kyri didnt stand a chance with Ash. Until Kyri told Ash how I broke up with her to have sex with Emily. Ash, doing the very sane and smart thing, ran from me. But where did she run? Right into Kyri's arms. Ouch. Okay. I deserved that, did I not? I did. I really did. Because, I wasn't good enough for Ash. And I had hurt both her and Kyri. SO they could find solace in eachother...and I would understand that, no matter how literal that statment ended up.
However, after a while, they soon saw the pain I was gouing through, and because theyre better people than I am, they broke it off. They stopped everything. Ash and I began to fix things, and Kyri and I began to rekindle our friendship. Soon, Ash and I were in a relationship. And soon, I fucked everything up again by fucking Kyri. Yes, folks, I cheated. A few times. On her birthday, was the one time I remember the most. Not because it was so memorable or anything like that. But because I knew how horrible I was because it was my girlfriends birthday, and I was fucking someone else. I couldnt be with her. I broke up with her, made up excuses why. But I didnt tell her the truth because I was a coward. After the summer passed, and mroe flings happened that I hid from her, we decided to try again. We didnt last long before she moved away, and I broke up with her. I broke up with her because I had so many secrets that I hadnt told her, and I coudnt be in a relationship with her while the guilt ate away at me.
After that, I tired to make her hate me, because I didnt want to be with her, and hurt again. I had decided that I didnt want to ever be in a relationship again because I was too damn horrible and undeserving of that kind of love. Soon, I told her about cheating on her. We worked through it. And some how, she still loved me. But we remained just friends. But like always with her and I, we ended up back at the beginning. I wanted to be with her again, but I knew I had to make the slate clean. So I told her the otherhorrifying secrets I had. The betrayal and lies I had been keeping from her. I can't tell you what those things were, but they were right up there with the cheating. It could possibly even be considered worse. I would consider it worse.
We worked through it. We were together. We made it a month. One whole month. The longest we had ever made it. And I broke up with her. We got in one small fight, and I ended it. Because I am a coward. Because I am not good enough for her. Because I am unworthy of the love that she gives me, and continues to give me even though were not together.
I am a horrible person. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever been in. I have cheated, lied, betrayed and broken promises. I have been ungrateful, selfish, and rude. I have been everything I would hate in someone else. I have been a horrible person. I do not believe that I deserve love, or happiness.
I believe I deserve life, as my punishment. A long life. A long, lonely life. My punishment, my sentence. I deserve life, because I am horrible, and life is tortorous, especialy alone.