heres to you.

im flying higher than i ever have before
youve got me spinnin and twirlin and more
never thought id feel like this again
so heres to the good now and the bad then

heres to finding that one who can
give you butterflies when youre used to lies
heres to the one with a gentle hand
that heals the pain when they say your name

and my life as a mess before you said hello
now youve cleaned it up, shining from head to toe
never thoughtid feel like this with you
so heres to no more gray and skies of blue

heres to finding that one who can
give you butterflies when youre used to lies
heres to the one with a gentle hand
that heals the pain when they say your name

its like a smile after a tear
i know its crazy, but i need you near
just dont let go of what weve got
my heart is twisted in a knot
but dont let go of what weve got

so heres to finding the one that can
make your heart beat fast from the start
and heres to the one with a gentle hand
that holds you close, loves you more than most

heres to finding that one who can
give you butterflies when youre used to lies
heres to the one with a gentle hand
that heals the pain when they say your name

hope.

i dont sleep anymore, its been days
staying up late, until i see the suns rays
i dont stay up thinking of the way things could be
i dont lie awake wishing that someone would help me

i guess im just broken beyond repair
messing up so bad; i cant even begin to share
i guess ive just been running far away from life
i guess i just still havent quite gotten it right

i sit and hold on tight, through everything
grasping on to hope, like a piece of string
i sit and push the every single thought and pain away
i sit and watch as everything i love, turns to gray

a girl.

the beauty as the night stills
keeps her warm, though her body chills
the stars above her shine so bright
giving sun light, though it is night
a gentle kiss, one that thrills
a painful word, one the kills
imagination soon takes flight
nothing and no one else in sight
a moon lingers over the hills
illuminating a girl in frills
she sits alone, no room for fright
no time for tears, try as she might
a poison kicks in, she slowly stills
no more warmth, her body chills
the stars above her no longer bright
the peaking sunlight, gives end to night

untitled.

she follows you like a lost dog
do you care that youre in the wrong?
she smiles every time you say her name
her heart flies when you look her way

you play her like an instrument
does it make you feel like a real man?
you toy her around, like a puppet on a string
you tear her down, with the pain you bring

im trying.

You act like its a chore
To be around me
We dont talk anymore
And you cant even see

You wonder why we fight
Almost every day
You think its all right
To throw our love away

Maybe if you would try
To meet me half way
I wouldnt always cry
My pain would be at bay

So do I just let go?
Will things ever change?
I just need to know
If youre worth all the pain

Because Im not as strong
As youd like to think
I wish I was wrong
But now Im just too weak

gone.

Broken promises, truths left unsaid
I gave you everthing, my heart and soul
You threw it back, and its taking its toll

I begged you to stay, those three words to say
I needed help, but you refused to give it
So say goodbye to my love, though you wont miss it

The battles been fought, I didnt win like I'd though
Im giving up, and now you have space
Youll never again have to see my face

Dont tell me not to go, its fake, I know
Youre getting what youve wanted all along
No more stress, no bother, for I am gone

risk it.

To every beginning there is an end
This I learned from my dearest friend
She was mine from day one
But life took its course
And forever, she is gone

I learned a lesson through it all
I believe its big, though it is small
Always risk the chance of love
Even if its lost one day
Its worth it when push comes to shove

for vivi & tia...& all the others lost. RIP.

Throughout life we happen upon blessings
In different forms, different ways,
In different places with different names
She was caring and joyous, and she was one
Of life's little blessings, until her life was done

But the Lord has his way with things
And so Ill tell you of another
A friend, a sister, and to many a mother
Two regular stories of lives well lived
Two tragic endings and heartache to go with

But when you start to cry, know an angel sings
For thousands have been blessed by two
And they will live forever in me and you
In our hearts, they'll stay the same
Though they're gone, their memory will remain

Simon Says

The hot summer sun's rays poured over my bare skin, the parts that werent hidden behind a tiny bikini. I could feel my skin getting darker with each minute that passed, and every so often I would lift up my bottoms the slightest bit just to see how far along my tan line was coming. The birds were chirping, and the wind rustled the leaves in the trees; the day was gorgeous. After a while I decided it was time to go inside and be productive. As I gathered my things, a cat's meow caused me to turn around. My cat, Mouse (yes; ironic, I know), was walking toward me. He was twelve years old, and I loved him with all my heart. There was no way I could walk away from him. I moved my blanket into the shade and layed down; immediately he came running over and plopped down right beside me.
After a few moments another sound caught my attention. I sat up quickly, and Mouse's alert ears told me I wasnt the only one who had heard it. I stared in the direction I had heard the noise, but all I could see were the trees that filled my back yard. After a few moments I layed back down, only to hear the crackling of branches once more. At the point I decided it was time to head inside. There had been a few bear sightings lately, and I wasnt about to be the next number on that list. Carrying Mouse with me, I headed into the safety of my house.
The rest of the day went by easily, and I had practically forgotten all about the sounds from outside. Mouse spent most of the day wanting to go back outside, but I wouldnt let him. As the sun began to go down, my uncle, whom I lived with in the summer, left for work; he worked the night shift at Wal-Mart. By then I had forgotten about wanting to keep Mouse inside and my uncle let him out when he left.
I loved being home alone at night. I had the house to myself, and I didnt have to worry about anyone else. I always did the same thing every night; showered, made food, watched a movie, sat on the computer, and always kept the music loud. that night, I was getting ready to shower when I heard what sounded like the front door shutting. Fear made me freeze, and I listened for a few minutes before deciding I should check on the house. Walking back into my room I grabbed my pocket knife from my night stand and turned back into the hall way. As I walked slowly and carefully through the house I turned on every light. Finally I came to the conclusion that I had only been hearing things, but still I didnt want to be home alone. So I called my friend Cassie and we made plans for the night. I told her I would call her again when I finished getting ready, hung up the phone and turned on my music, nice and loud. Before getting in the shower, I set my phone on the bathroom counter, then stepped into the steaming hot water, letting it wash away any fears I had.
Usually, my showers only last a few minutes, but that night I needed to shave my legs, so it was about 10 minutes before I finished. Steam filled the bathroom as I pulled back the shower curtain and reached for my towel. As I dmy face with the towel I thought that something about the bathroom counter looked different, but decided not to think anything of it. Wrapping the towel around my body, I walked back into my room, changed into a skirt and a small tank top, hung my towel up and went back into the bathroom. The Black Eyed Peas were blasting from my radio- I gotta feelin'... That tonight's gonna be a good night. The words rang in my ears, and I thought to myself 'hell yeah, its gonna be a good night.' At the moment that thought crossed my mind, I jumped at the sound of the floor boards in my kitchen creaking. I finished doing my hair and slowly glanced around the corner of the bathroom door, down the hall.
The house was still, not a single sound was made. However, I turned back to the bathroom counter, remembering thats where I had left my phone and pocket knife. As I turned around, though, the counter was bare except for the radio and my hair things. I glanced around the bathroom, then quickly walked across the hall into my room. Frantically, I looked for my phone and knife, but they were no where to be found. Fear ran through my veins as I began to piece things together. Someone was in my house, someone who didnt want me to have anything to defend myself with. I rushed to my closet and began digging through boxes until I found the only sharp object I had other than my knife. It was a razor, already stained with blood, from a time long ago when I had turned to self harm as a way out. Those days having been long gone, the razor was packed away firmly in my closet, as a way to comfort myself. The razor securely placed in the palm of my hand, I whipped around as a man's voice penetrated my ear drums, sending chills up my spine and piercing my body with fear.
"Looking for these, sweetie?" The man stood in the doorway of my room, wearing dirty jeans and a tshirt. His arms and face seemed to be covered in dirt and mud, and dark reddish brown stains on his shirt warned me what might be coming next. In his hands he held my phone and pocket knife. He slid them into his pockets and crossed his arms.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I just can't let you have those back."
Still frozen, I thought of all the ways I could get away. After a couple hours, Cassie would start to wonder why I hadnt called, maybe shed start calling, then come over when I didnt answer, right? All I had to do was keep him away from me long enough. But what if I couldnt do that? I needed another plan. I glanced quickly at my window, saw the curtain move from the wind blowing through. He noticed my eyes staring away, and he turned to see what had caught my attention. Immediately he headed toward the window.
"Oh, and we can't have that left open. Won't want the neighbors to hear how much fun Im having."
Bile rose in my throat, and I was certain I was going to be sick, but my reaction was much different. Before I knew it, I was running out of my bed room, taking advantage of him being on the opposite side of the room. I sprinted down the hall way, into the kitchen, going straight for the knife rack, only to find that it was empty. I yanked open the drawers, all were empty. He was behind me again, anger in his vocie.
"You might as well stop looking. Theyre all gone. Now, why dont you be a good little girl and sit the fuck down?" After a moment of not moving, he wrapped his arm around my waist and dragged me to the dining room, pushed me into a chair, reached under the table and grabbed a pile of rope. "I was afraid youd see this when you came looking for me before your shower, but I guess the blonde in your hair explains why you didnt." As he began to wrap the rope tightly around me, tears filled my eyes. If he would leave the room, I could cut through the rope with the razor; he didn't even know I had it. Almost as if an Angel heard my thoughts, my phone rang in his pocket. He reached in and grabbed in, looked at the screen then back to me.
"Shhh," he said holding a finger up to his lips, then he opened the phone and put it to his head. "Hello?" Silence filled the room as he listened for a moment to the other end. "Oh, hi, Cassie. Lauren isn't feeling well, she fell asleep on the couch, and I just happened to be coming back in from the store when her phone rang." More silence. "Okay, Ill let her know. Goodbye." Closing the phone, he threw it over his shoulders and got down on his knees in front of me.
"She'll come here, she knows he's suppose to be at work."
"Is that a fact? Well, then, Ill have to lock the doors, now, won't I?"
I began to cry, knowing that Cassie was my last hope of survival, and she was not going to be able to save me. He stood up and walked into the living room, and I realized quickly that now was my chance. I sawed away at the rope, just enough to be able to move my arms. As soon as I had finished, he walked back into view, a mischievious grin spreading across his face.
"Now, lets play a game, shall we? Its called Simon Says. You know how to play that one, right, blondie?" I nodded my head slowly, and began to wait for the perfect opportunity. "Now, heres the rules. Ill tell you what to do, and if you do it when I dont say Simon Says, then you get punished," as he said that, he pulled out the pocket knife. "Understand?" I stared at the knife, not letting him make me say it. "Answer the question, bitch."
I glared at him before replying, "I understand," as soon as the words left my mouth, I felt cold metal slicing across my cheek, I felt the open flesh with blood trickling out of it.
"I didn't say Simon Says," he said, laughing. I began to tremble, knowing that this man was sick and twisted. "Now, Simon Says to kiss my lips." He stuck his head in front of me, and I obliged with much disgust. "Mmm, your lips taste like sugar, baby."
I looked away, feeling my stomach turn. At the thought of throwing up all over him, a smile escaped my lips, ever so slightly.
"Oh, you like that one, do you?" He had said something while I was thinking to myself, and I hadn't heard it.
I didn't hear you," I said quietly.
"I said Simon Says ksuck my dick, you dirty whore."
I shook my head. "No."
"Simon Says suck my dick, or you will be punished again."
"No." I flinched, as the knife slid across my chest this time, and I tilted my head to look at the wound, saw the fresh white flesh, just before blood began to seep from the cut. It was much deeper this time.
"Lets try this one more time. Simon Says suck it."
"No." A deeper slice just above the first one on my chest, causing me to cry out in pain.
"Fine, maybe youre the type that doesnt give until she gets." He got down on his knees in front of me and opened my legs, though I tried my hardest to resist him. "Simon Says let me in." He put his head down and I knew what I had to do.
"Simon Says go to hell, you sick fuck!" He looked up, and for an instant I saw the surprise in his eyes, but as soon as I saw it, my hand swung around and the razor slide across his eye.
"You fucking bitch! My goddamn eye!" His hands immediately covered his eye, but blood poured from between his fingers, and down his cheek. As he stood there, cussing me out, I untied myself and brought my foot up right between his legs, landing a firm kick right and bring him back down to his knees. I grabbed the knife that he dropped and ran as fast as I could out of the house. I sprinted for the neighbors house, where, just my luck, a cop lived. Not having the patience to wait for her to answer the door, I burst through and began screaming for her.
"Officer Vinty! Officer Vinty! Help!" Before I knew it, she was standing in front of me putting on her shoes and dialing into her phone. She ran across the street and that was the last thing I remembered. I had passed out from blood loss, and her daughter had made sure I got into an ambulance.
Turns out, this man, named Simon Vontana, had killed 32 women in the past eight years. He did the same thing every time; played Simon Says, raped them, and then killed them, leaving their bodies in random places. I thank god I wasnt number 33.

fyi.

SEX IS DRAMA.

thats all that needs to be said.

they call me heartbreaker.

Ive been in two "real" relationships. But Ive also had other girls who Ive had flings with. First, there was Penny. She broke my heart. My next girlfreind was Aubrey. We were only together for a month, and it wasn't much of a relationship. Then there was Maria. I broke her heart. She was the first heart I broke. Then there was Kyri. I never hated myself so much as the day I broke her heart. Then there was Ash, and I broke her heart, too. I shattered it. Then Penny showed up again...guess whos heart got broken that time? Hers. I left her, because of one stupid fight. And now, she thinks Im still interested, but how do I tell her Im not? Itll hurt her again. And then theres Heather. Ive never really been protective with any girls Ive liked, but with Heather, I get the urge to hurt anyone that hurts her, and I just want to protect her. But she doesnt know that Ill hurt her, so I stand off, I dont let her get close to me. Because all I am is a heartbreaker. Ive had my heart broken a few times, but in all reality, I deserved it every time. Because I broke their heart first.
So its no wonder I fear this new relationship that is starting. This new flame, that is burning bright reds and yellows and oranges. Its such a beautiful flame, and I dont want it to go out. But knowing me, somehow, Ill pour water all over it. So understand, when I start to pull away, thats just because I dont want to hurt anyone ever again. They call me heartbreaker, but Im out to prove them wrong. Once a heartbreaker...not always a heartbreaker. I hope...

remembering.

One year ago today, she told me she couldnt be with me. She had me at hello, and then she let me go. I found out she was seeing my ex, the one Id left for her, who was also my bestfriend. I found out that they had been going behind my back. I found out the both were lying and backstabbing me, that karma was biting me in the ass. What do you do when the one you love, use to lvoe you...but now loves the one you use to love? That was what I constantly asked myself. I never found the answer though, instead, I turned heavily to cutting. I spent a month in solid depression, shutdown to the point of not having feelings at all. I remember reading Ash's text to Kyri. "Im falling for you too, oh god, i am." It sucks, how easily we remember that stuff, isnt it? When I read the text, I began to shake. I put the phone back in the pocket of the car door and Kyri walked out of the house and got in the car. We had been okay, that day.
I turned to her and asked "Are you falling for her?"
Her reply was simply "No."
So I asked "Is she falling for you?"
And this is when I almost lost it...she said "I dont think so."
"Have you told her youre falling for her?"
"Why would I?"
"Has she said shes falling for you?"
"Not that I remember."
This is when my eyes began to water, and I began to tremble, and she could see it, Im sure. "Kyri. Has she said shes falling for you?"
"I dont know! Why are you asking me this stuff?"
"I have to go."
"What? Why?"

I dont exactly remember the few words that were said between that and when I walked away. But I feel like I said something about her lying to me, about how I couldnt do this anymore. I walked down her driveway, and across the tracks. I found a piece of glass and carried it with me all the way to Cemetery Hill. Kyri and Ash and even EM were texting me, trying to figure out where I was. Kyri thought I was going to jump off the bridge, so she told Em and Ash that, I guess, because they both thought thats what I was going to do. After Kyri threatened to call my dad, I told her where I was. I sat, and cried, and screamed, and cut and bled. Then Kyri found me, and held me. And I started to feel okay. But I was still furious.

And I dont remember if the next thing was before this, or after this (but Im pretty sure it was after). Kyri and I were at Aubreys. And Kyri kept asking me the names of streets around us. And I guessed that the reason was because she wanted to see Ash. But I let it go, and tried not to think about it. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back down, Kyri was gone. Aubrey said she had gone for a walk. Knowing fdamn well what I was getting myself into, I headed down the street, and when I looked down the corner I saw them, together. I couldnt handle it. I ran back to Aubreys, collapsed on the floor, and started screaming and crying. It was the worst breakdown I'd ever had. People were walking through the room, staring at me. And all I could do was scream and cry, so loud that Ash and Kyri could hear me down the road, a block and a half away.

Sometmes, I feel like if I write about bad memories, it cleanses my thoughts of those memories for a while. Ugh. Sometimes, though, I can still feel that pain that I had that day. The emotions on high as I screamed and Aubrey held me. Sometimes, when I want to feel pain, I almost wish I could go back and relive that moment. Then I wouldnt have the physical scars, just the emotional ones that no one can ever see, no matter how closely they look at me.

cant stand it.

Its bad, I know. I really like her. Honestly, I think about her all the time, and I miss her and I wish I could be with her right now. But everyone who knows me, knows that I believe once you love someone, you always love them, at least a little bit. I was in love before...as you all know. But things didnt work out, we were always meant to say goodbye. And now...shes met someone new and I know this. This new girl, shes pretty ugly, and thats not just my...jealousy speaking. Thats in total honesty. Like seriously, she looks stoned and tired and fat in all her pictures. But thats all besides the point. Im jealous. I dont get it. She always said I was the only girl shed be with, that I was the love of her life. And now shes moving on. I mean, thats good. Thats really good. I dont want her still having feelings for me, because Im really not going to be with her. I cant, and I dont want to. But for some reason my jealousy bubbles when I think about her and this other girl. Ugh. I almost left a message on this girls facebook. I wanted to say "she was mine first, and youll never understand her or love her like i did"... but of course I didnt. Because she isnt mine anymore, and I dont want to be hers or her, mine. I know exactly what I want. But why, then, do I get so jealous? And why am I so selfish as to not even want to be her friend anymore, because it hurts too much? Am I allowed to be selfish? Maybe I need help. I know everyone is selfish at times...but I dont like how selfish I always am. I dont like that about me one bit. Im moving on, and Im happy with my new girl...but the jealousy is still there, and then that makes me feel guilty. I cant stand who I am. I hate who I am.

daddys never at my meets.

I need to write about something that is hurting me. I run track, my best friends know this, my family knows this, people I barely know, know this. Its about the only thing Im truly good at. When my friends have games, matches or any sort of competitions, I try my hardest to go and watch them; to support them. But see, though I continuously went out of my way to go to every one of a best friend's wrestling matches, he is too busy getting high to come watch and support me. That pisses me off.
But what really hurts, is every year Ive done track, and my dad always finds excuses to not show up, or he just doesnt show up because he is home watching TV or sitting on his computer. My mom goes to every one of my meets, she takes off work on tuesdays just so she can watch my races. And that honestly means a lot to me. But my dad...he doesnt ever show up unless I beg him or tell him he has to be there. It hurts that he wont support me, it makes me feel like Im not good enough for him. Its as if even though Im doing something productive and active, its not the production he wants me to make, its not the activities he wants me to take part in. It hurts me that he cant take time out of his day to watch his daughter do something shes good at. He doesnt show up, has no support. Sure, he asks how I did, but if he really cared, why doesnt he just show up at the meet? Especially when the meet is only 3 minutes away. I dont know where this is going. I just needed to say how much it hurts me that he doesnt support me, doesnt watch my meets. Im really good at it, and I feel like he doesnt see that. Ive had my name in the paper for it, and he doesnt realize it. He doesnt understand that this is something Im good at, its something I can do, and its something I enjoy immensely. It just tears me apart a little bit that he doesnt support and watch my races.

this time ill be bulletproof.

Its that new crush feeling. You know, the one where you just can't think of anything but that one special person? Its one of the greatest feelings in the world. EVerything is so fresh and new, so innocent and, well, still perfect. Everyone knows that the feeling fades with time, the innocence is replaced with a little guilt here and there, and the perfection gets cracked and scratched. We risk so much, falling in love. But I believe you risk more by not taking that chance at love. Dont be stupid, just be strong. Everyone is going to get hurt, no matter what. Its your strength, though, that determines if you'll move on, or if you'll suffer. Personally, Im done suffering. If I get hurt again, okay, fine. It will ruin me for a while, but Ill get through it. Maybe alone, or maybe with someone.
Love can conquer so much. Its truly incredible the power it can have on a person. It can change lives, it can move mountains, it can part seas, it can walk miles. With just a little bit of love, you can make it through any obstacle in your path. The smallest ounce of love can push you a long ways, and pick you up, no matter how far down you are. Dont let love be the thing that kills you, let it be the thing that brings you alive, again and again and again.

kayla.

Her favorite colors teal
She was born in december
And she can make me feel
Like lightning after thunder

She says things will be okay
She always goes with the flow
She knows just what to say
To get my smile to glow

She kisses my forehead
She holds me under the stars
"Wanna dance?" she first said
And I fell in to her arms

untitled.

The clouds rolling by
The wind blowing through the trees
I look around at it all
But youre all I see

My hair in my face
The sun dancing on my skin
I inhale the fresh air
Youre all I want then

The birds singing songs
The crickets humming melodies
I hear the sweet music
Now youre all I need

if its possible.

If its possible to be infinite,
I want you to show me.
If its possible to heal wounds,
I want you to fix me.
If its possible to clear scars,
I want you to prove it.
If its posisble to feel love,
I want you to give it.

questions i ask myself.

We get mad when others betray us, but how is it that we can still do the same to them?

We promise ourselves not to let our feelings get involved, but how do we always end up hurt?

We keep secrets from the world, but why do we always want someone to figure it out?

We say we can only trust ourselves, but why do we always end up breaking our own trust?

We have hopes, goals, and dreams, but why do we always let things get in the way?

We know what causes the problem, but why cant we ever let go of it and make it go away?

We tell others how to be happy, and give them advice, but why dont we practice what we preach?

We tell ourselves we wont let it ever happen again, but why do we always let it anyway?

We fear others hurting us, but in reality, they should be fearing us. Why?

We say we know what we want and where were going, but how can we ever really know?

We collect our thoughts in a peacful place but why dont we always do it peacfully?

summer love.

Blue skied memories
Filled with children's laughs
Green colored trees
And old photographs

You held my hand
And showed me the way
You helped me stand
Until that last, sad day

Confessions of love
In the summer time heat
Clouds floating above
Dirt gravel under feet

They say that your first
Never truly goes away
Maybe thats why I thirst
For those summer days

i dont want to be like you.

I dont want to be like you.
Im a monster, what can I do?
I hurt everyone that I love;
Look at me, Im just like you.

Selfish, inconciderate bitch.
Not just a monster, also a witch.
I lie and cheat and betray;
How did I become this bitch?

I feel cruel and heartless.
Everyday I make a mess.
I screw up everyone's life;
Why do I act so heartless?

These were once your evil ways;
Hurting others through the days.
Somehow, you rubbed off on me.
And now I act act these evil ways.

As much as I hate it, I cry and cry.
Im left every day, failing when I try.
I dont want to be like you;
Like the monster who makes people cry.

whos to blame?

Angry words like broken glass.
Pouring rain, she drove too fast.
The corners curve took her life;
My new best friend will be this knife

No last 'I love you' as she parted.
And now Im left broken hearted.
Theres plenty of blame to go around;
But its my fault shes underground

I am nothing without her love.
Im to blame when push comes to shove.
So, sweet crimson, set me free;
Her last breath will be the death of me.

buttons.

Memories. I saw a button on the ground today. Its crazy; the things we forget but one tiny thing can bring it all back in an instant. This button was white, four holes in the center. The edge of the button had a gold colored trim. It was next to a rock, mixed in with the pebbles and dirt.
Flashback. Im in Emily Price's kitchen, and on a shelf, there are buttons. A lot of buttons. Small ones, big ones, purple ones, green ones. Some had one hole, others two or four. Some had decorative trims, or unique patterns, others were dull and plain. I asked her "whats with all the buttons?" She tells me her father collects them.
Buttons. They hold thigns together at the seams. They fall of and things get lossened up. They tighten and give things character. Theres so many people in the world, who hold others together at their seams. I have family and friends who are my buttons that keep me together. They are thebuttons that give me character. They are buttons that sometimes fall off, leaving me vulnerable. But there are always other buttons willing to take the place of a lost button, willing to make mends to the loose material and thread everything back together, in its correct place.

finding happiness.

I do believe its time that I wrote a new blog. Ive been thinking quite a bit these past few days, and twice since Ive been on my vacation, Ive wanted to hurt. But Im starting to see things a little differently. Im starting to believe in happiness, and more importantly, myself.
Before the other night, id been hoping, praying Id meet someone who makes me happy. But at the same time, I didnt want that; for several reasons. Mainly, I felt undeserving of happiness, and I still kind of do. I had set rules for myself-rues that I would not allow myself to break. These rules said I wouldnt feel for another person, wouldnt let a person feel for me. I was determined to have control of myself, and not let myself be happy anymore, because i remembered being "happy" and it wasnt all it was cracked up to be-or so it seemed. But, the other night, I let my guard down. And I realized that sometimes you have to lose control to find what youve been missing.
I guess all this time, Ive been missing happiness-true happiness. But I think Im on my way to finding that true happiness. Just the thought of it tastes so sweet, the thought itself is mesmerizing. I cant believe how quickly and easily its already happening. I didnt know it could ever be this easy. If i had, maybe I would have tried sooner to find it, maybe I would have let people in. But then again, if I had done that, everything would be different now. And I really kind of like the things are right now. I like where I'm at in life, I like where Im going. I have plans, goals, dreams and intentions that I plan on acting on. I know what I want, and Im convinced on getting just that.

intoxicated babbling.

why is it that my heart pounds at just the thought of you? i feel like i want to move on, but i feel like i want to stay, lost forever in your eyes. but the way we fight...ive been here before. its all so familiar, like deja vu. ive seen the way it ends, how it affects two people in love. and i dont want that again. i dont know if i could handle it again. i think it could quite possibly damage me for the rest of my life. but here we are, talking. you dont want to let me in, but for some reason you want to talk. im letting you in more than id like to because im not one hundred percent coherent. but i guess its a good thing that im letting you in. i guess you probably like it, that im letting you in, that im being so open. my fingers are cold. they get this way when im typing. i dont know why. but that just makes me think of how i want to hold your hand. can i, please? would you let me if i was there? if i told you all of this in person, would you have reacted differently? would you have screamed at me? pushed me? hit me? ...loved me? i hope you never stop loving me. i couldnt ever stop loving you, you know that? even when you say you dont think i love you, you dont see how i could. i do. i love you more than you know. more than i thought possible. more than i should, i guess, what with allthe fighting and past experiences weve had. with our past, people would never think we would have made it this far. but i guess our love is pretty damn awesome, huh? but even awesome loves can fall apart, and i guess thats whats happening. i do love you though.
and now youre saying yo uwont be able to let me in again. so please tell me, whats the point in even talking about the future? why even tell me you only want me if you wont be able to let me in anymore? if you cant let me in now, if ive pulled the final straw, then maybe its time for us to both move on. we both know our lvoe for eachother will never die, we know it will always stay in our hearts. hybernating from the cold world. and though it may stay in hybernation, it will still be alive.
im sorry that things had to end this way. hell, im sorry that things had to end. but someday, well look back, and thank eachother for the love we had, right? we can remember the memories, and forget the pain, someday, right? one day, even if not together, well both be happy again. but i know that we will always lvoe each other. or atleast ill always love you. but you know that i think once you love someone, you always do, in some way, shape or form. youll always be a part of me, and ill never forget you. i dont want you out of my life, but if thats what you need to be okay, i understand. im sorry for writing this on blogspot. but i felt the need to write, and thats how it started. i guess it just turned in to a letter for you. can you do me favor? i just need you to remember me forever and ever, to infinity and beyond. okay? i love you.

favorite song.

While youre staring at the moon
Know that Im looking at it too
While youre wishing on the stars
Know that I hate how were so far

When youre waking up to birds
Ill be thinking of those words
When youre looking in the mirror
Ill be wishing you were nearer

While youre sipping at a drink
Know that of you I always think
While youre humming a sweet tune
Know that Ill be seeing you soon

When youre going through your day
Ill be missing you in every way
When youre finally where you belong
My heart will sing your favorite song

my love for you.

Its unhealthy, my love for you.
Its so wealthy, my love for you.
I cant stop my love for you.
Nothing can top my love for you.
Wont let go of my love for you.
Tell me you know of my love for you.
I need you to say 'my love for you
Will always stay, my love for you.'

no angel as heavenly as you.

Like a sunset in July
As gorgeous as ever
Like fireworks in the sky
As they burst with color

Like a newborns soft cry
As it enters the world
Like a snowfall so white
In a winter so dead

Like a flowers first bloom
In the early of spring
Like a flawless full moon
In the quiet of night

But you must be aware
To you, these dont amount
Not even angels could compare
To your paradisiac being

impressions arent generally right

Id sacrifice my beating heart before Id lose you.





I was under the wrong impression
When you said I was your life
I mistook each word you said
For a love deep and true
Now Ive learned a vital lesson
That words stab like a knife
And wounds that once bled
Will scar until youre new

what did you slip into my drink baby?

It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame,
but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby.
Thinking about gotta change my name,
If I'm gonna walk this walk of shame.
Look at what you do to me.
It's disgusting.



You constantly hurt me. But I always forgive you. I put you before myself all the time. I always care more about you being okay than myself, and I always try to please you before making myself happy. If being with you meant me being scared, I was willing to do just that. But you lied. Oh, you ruined it. You messed up to the maixum. You showed me how fucked up you really are. You showed me how much you really just dont care.
It truly is disgusting how if you showed up here right now, Id hug you. Id love you. Id want you to stay. Its horrible that I would be able to even kiss you. Its so wrong that I wouldnt mind you showing up here right now. Its bad, bad, bad that I still love you, after all that you've done.

I kept telling myself that you were masochistic for doing this. But now Im starting to see Im the one who enjoys the pain. Its as if I thrive off it. I need pain, otherwise I feel off. But then again, I shut down just to not feel the pain. And I hate it. I hate hurting, and I just want to be happy. And I know that Ill never be completely happy with you. Because Ive never been one who has been able to forget the past, and all of this would get in the way of us being okay. I want to be happy, and I know I deserve it. Even through every bad thing Ive done, I -know- I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be treated right, and I deserve to be happy.

Its disgusting how I love you. You could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, Id apologize for bleeding on your shirt. You could strangle me, and take the life from me, but my last words would be "I love you".

You keep saying you love me. That you'll do anything. But you said that all a week ago. You asked me what you could do to make it better. And then you told me what you did. And last night you told me you really didnt do it. How the fuck do I trust you? I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont trust you anymore. I dont even know if I can fathom the thought of trusting you with my life. Im beginning to honestly believe that if you had a choice, my life or yours, youd let me die. Im beginning to htink you owuld never protect me, because you just dont love me enough.

And unfortunately for you, even if you did show up here. It wont change things. Because I have made up my mind, and sealed the deal in my head. I am not going to be with you. Because all you do is hurt me. Even if you do love me, you odnt love me enough to make things better, and Im sorry to tell you that. But I just cant do it anymore. I cant even think of you without being terrified. And very often for the past 24, i havnt thought of you without being pissed off, angry, furious, frustrated, and completely let down.

I have yet to cry. I didnt even cry when you told me what you did last tuesday. Because Ive been that shut down, and Ive been that concerned about protecting myself. Because you honestly hurt me to the point, where if I let myself feel the immensity of this pain, I dont think I could handle it. So Im shutdown, and until Im moving on, Ill say shutdown. Crying over you is something I cant do anymore. The tears are just wasted every time; nothing ever gets better.


Its disgusing how I love you.

a valentines day story.

"Come on guys! Theres only one week until Valentines Day! Send a Valentine to that special someone!" The cheerleader's peppy voice rings throughout the lobby, only to be ignored by most of the students there.
Every year its the same; the cheerleaders sell Valentines to students, who have them sent to the person they like. And every year, girls end up crying because their crush didnt send one to them, or guys end up fighting because they sent one to the same girl. And every year, I get one from my best friend, because she knows I wont get one from any guy.
Dont get me wrong, I love Trish to death, but the fact that she sends me one every year is just a constant reminder that I dont have a real Valentine. The first couple years, I would get my hopes up and tell myself that it would be different this time. After the second year, I decided it was safest not to even want a Valentine. Now, it's my senior year, and Trish just walked back to me from the cheerleaders and their over decorated table. She winks at me, and we both laugh while she sits down. Just as I start to ask her who she sent one to this year (other than me), David, her crush walks over. They had been talking a lot the whole year, but he had had a girlfriend. Not anymore.
"Hey Trish," he said, and I saw her face turn a slight pink, before she quickly got herself back together.
"Whats up?" She asked in a casual tone. It was obvious to me that she didn't want him to see how nervous she was, and juding by his smirk, it was obvious to him, too.
"I saw you at the Valentine Table. Got a special someone in mind?"
"Oh, maybe. Guess we'll just have to wait until everyone gets their cards tomorrow, huh?" At that, he grinned and nodded his head.
"Ill catch ya later."
She turned to me, all of the red finally rushing to her face. She was smiling so big, and though I want her happy, part of me was jealous. Why dont any of the guys in this school like me? Why cant I get a Valentine, for just once in my life? But I quickly pushed the thoughts from my head, knowing full well that when I think that way, I end up disappointed when the cards get handed out.

The next morning, I walked into my homeroom, late as usual. But something that was unusual, was that instead of one card sitting on my desk, there were two. The little square envelopes, one pink and one red, had little hearts all over them, and so much glitter that they could almost blind you if you tilted them the right way under the fluorescent lights. I opened the pink one first, knowing it was from Trish. She always used a pink envelope. It was the same every year.

Happy Valentines Day.
WHO NEEDS A GUY?
It'll be more fun
to grow old with
YOUR BEST FRIEND!

I giggle silenty at her nerdy line, and put the car back in the envelope. But as I hold the red one in my hand, I cant find the courage to open it. What if its a joke? What if its someone gross or weird? By the time first period is over, I hadnt even lifted the seal. I was way too nervous. I left the classroom after announcements, and walked down the hall, my mind only on the little red envelope. When Trish saw me, she noticed the look on my face, and glanced at my hands. Noticing the extra Valentine, she ran to me, jumping up and down.
"Who is it?" She suealed.
"I...I dont know."
"A secret admirer!?" She got even more excited.
"No...I havnt even opened it yet," I stammered.
"What?!"
"Im too nervous. You do it." I shoved the card at her, and she carefully opened it.
"Oh. My. God." My heart flew into my throat. The look on her face didnt give anything away, and I ripped the card from her hands. I read the words out loud, confusion and frustration growing in my voice.


I want you to be mine
On this Valentines Day.
So meet me tonight
At the theater, Ill pay.
Who is this you ask,
Youll find out at eight.
Dont worry how you look,
You always look great.

I stare at the card, and Trish giggles.
"Who do you think it is?"
"I dont know," I say, running through the guys in my head, trying to think of any that might possibly like me.
"Well, youll find out at eight!" I look at her, at a loss for words. The bell rings, singaling me being late to second period, and Trish takes off down the halway.

I trudge to my class, and deal with the dirty look I receive from the teacher, while taking my seat at the back of the class. I spend that period, along with every other one, staring at the clock, tapping my pencil on the desk, wondering who on earth it could possibly be. I become paranoid as guys look at me, and as every guy I usually talks to says hey. During lunch, I read a book to keep my thoughts and eyes distracted. But it barely helps. As I think about it, the most important question soon isnt 'Who is it,' but rather 'Am I going to go?'
But of course Im going to go. Not only will Trish make me, but once we get back to my house, shell blab to my mom who will also make me. And not only that, but I want to know who it is. But then again, curiosity killed the cat. But screw the cat, I want to know who it is. And If its a joke, or someone weird, then Ill deal with that when it comes to it. But for now, I have a Valentine.

Sure enough, trish told Mom, and Mom is ecstatic. They both spend two hours getting me "all dolled up" for my first date, and when 7:45 rolls around, they hustle to get me out the door and to the theater. As Trish and I get out of the car, Mom turns to me, and I swear I saw tears in her eyes.
"Have fun, sweetie. You look gorgeous. Call me if you need anything."
"Yeah, Mom. See you later."
As she pulls away, Trish begins to speak.
"David is waiting for me. If you need me, text me. And text me when you find out who it is!" In a flash, shes gone, and I see her hugging David on the opposite side of the theater lobby. They walk toward the ticket booth holding hands, and I begin to play with my necklace as the nerves kick into overdrive. I glance at my phone after a few minutes, and it says 8:03. As soon as I start to worry about being stood up, I hear a familiar voice call my name.
"Molly!" As soon as I turn around, I understand the feeling that Trish got yesterday at lunch when David talked to her. Could it possibly be true, that the boy I had secretly had a crush on for the past two years really liked me too? "I was scared you wouldnt show up," he said, looking at his feet.
"Im here." I smiled, and began to worry if I was as red as I felt.
"Im nervous too," he confessed, guessing my thoughts. I looked up and and he smiled, grabbing my hand. "What movie do you want to see?"
As we walked to get our tickets, all I could think about was how unbelievable all of this was. Nick Matthews liked me, wanted me to be his Valentine, was taking me to a movie, and better yet-holding my hand! We walked into our theater, and surprise, surprise; Trish and David were in the same one. When she caught sight of who was holding my hand, her jaw dropped. I felt myself fill with pride and self esteem.
The movie was good...or at least the parts I watched were. No, we didnt spend the whole time sucking face. But we spent a lot of the time talking in hushed voices, and soon we decided we should just leave and go somewhere else. We were more interested in learning about eachother than the movie.
By the end of the night, we had talked about so much, that I felt like I had known him my whole life. I told him so much about me, that he knew almost as much as Trish did.
As the night grew darker, we decided it would be best to head home. He drove me home, and even walked me to my door. The porch light was generously left on by my mom, who was no doubtedly waiting and probably even peaking. He said the cliche lines of "I had such a great time, and I'd really like to do it again," but then, he said something I didnt expect.
"I really like you, Molly. I have, and I hope you like me too. So Im wondering one more thing. Since you were already my Valentine, how about making it more permanent and be my grilfriend?" I felt my jaw drop, and I was sure he could hear the thudding of my heart, just trying to get out of my chest to say yes.
"Yes!" I said, attempting to hide my excitement, but failing horribly. He grinned, and right then and there, on my door step, as it started snowing, Nick kissed me. It was my first kiss, which was something he didnt know. But it was the most amazing first kiss ever, one that could definitely go in a fairytale.

saying goodbye

I say goodbye knowing things have changed
A tear rolls down my face
I hate the way things ended
I hate the way we are now

I use to tell you anything (everything)
But now I deal with pain
What happened to me and you?
Why have you left me alone?

Was it something I said?
Or maybe something I did?
Where did that feeling go?
The one that I had for you
It use to give me butterflies
Use to make me smile
But now its all gone

Like fire, memories burn in my mind
You use to be so kind
Gave all I possibly could
But you refused to take it

Now I wish we could have it all back (all of it)
Do you ever want that?
And someday I wont miss you
And soon the pain will subside

Was it something I said?
Or maybe something I did?
Where did that feeling go?
The one that I had for you
It use to give me butterflies
Use to make me smile
But now its all gone

I say goodbye
Why do things change?
Tears roll down my face

sooo old.

Bare walls surround me
Once covered with memories
I feel so lonely now
But I dont know how
Ive cried for days and days
Searched for several ways
To make the tears stop
But they continue to drop
Such a perfect friendship
Has taken a one way trip
Such a love so strong and deep
Has taken a never returning leap
Your voice still rings in my ears
But it no logner calms my fears
The way you held me close
The way you wanted me most
Ill never forget any of it
And Ill never regret one single bit
You were always the one
But Ill be okay with it done
You deserve better anyway
But Ill think of you every day

past tense.

With you I felt so high
Despite my fear of heights
I felt invinceable
I felt

Wuth you I liked the rain
Even though I preferred the sun
I liked so many things
I liked

With you I loved the days
Even though night was prettier
I loved life
I loved

With you I tasted youth
And all its innocence and freedom
I tasted every flavor
I tasted

With oyu I saw the light
To every darkened day
I saw myself
I saw

With you I thought of life
And all its mysterious
I thought of fun
I thought

With you I knew everything
Even though I asked questions
I knew friendship
I knew

I felt you
I liked you
I loved you
I tasted you
I saw you
I thought you
I knew you

Notice how its all past tense?

april 2009.

Hold Me

How did this happen?
Its so crazy to think.
Who knew this could be?
Who knew you'd want me?

Guess life has its way
Of taking you by surprise.
So hold me close to you
Hold me the whole night through.

We'll cherish this moment
Dont want to let go.
All I can think is wow,
This is right, right now.

from september 08?

If I could fix all your problems I would
Because youre my bestfriend
No matter how the pges turn
No matter how the pages turn

I wouldnt expect you to be perfet
But you already are
Your flaws, they attract me
Your flaws, they attract me

So long as youre around
You pick me up, dust me off
When Im on the ground
Make me feel better
Whipe my dirty knees
With your clean shirt
Whipe my bleeding mascara
With you white sleeves

And what makes you so, so good
Is that youre strong til the end
A lesson Ive come to learn
A lesson Ive come to learn

With all my sould I trust youll protect
My love, life and heart
Keep you safe with me
Keep you safe with me

So just come hold me close now
Tell me you feel the same
Always be my best friend
Always be my best friend

for chris.

My friend Rachel has a friend, who lost the one she loved in a bad car accident. His name was Chris. I never met him.


One moment shes breathing air
And the next she isnt there
The things she left behind
Every memory in my mind
She use to smile and laugh
But now its all in the past
She had dreams and plans
Everything in reach of her hands
How do we learn to cope
How do we ever hope
When I know shes gone for good
And things dont go the way they should
But the only hope I have
The only cure for the past
It it was good while it lasted
And she'd be strong if this happened

negotiations.

If you dont care
Then why should I.
If you dont hurt
Neither do I.
If youve forgotten
So should I.
If you give up
I wont try.
If you dont need me
I wont cry.
If you dont want me
I can get by.
If you dont love me
Tell me, dont lie.
If you wont miss me
Then this is goodbye.

train.

In the quiet of the night,
The train whistle screams.
I close my eyes so very tight,
The tears never stopping it seems.
But what do I expect
After all that Ive done?
Ive created a shipwreck
And now I wanna run
For the door, for the road.
Life could be better, or so im told.
I just wanna leave the memory of you behind,
And find myself a peace of mind.
I wanna start over, fresh and new.
I want the pain to be gone along with you.
The cries from the train begin to fade
And I start to dry my tears.
Tomorrows a brand new day
And Im sure Ill meet new fears.

growing older together.

Its just a teenage love
Thats what your daddy says
But the point is its love
And were gonna be okay

I can see us growing older (together)
So lay your head on my shoulder (forever)
ANd we'll watch the world pass by
Uncontrollable force, pulling us through time

Its becoming such a mess
Thats what youre tellin me
But trust me happiness
Is a more permanent feeling

Oh, and just because we fight
Doesnt mean to let go
Baby I swear this is right
Believe me, cause I know

Were gonna grow older (together)
Your head always on my shoulder (forever)
Were just watchin the world pass by
A love more uncontrollable than time

I can see us growing older (together)

Why?

You smiled in her face and stabbed her in the back.
You bit the hand that feeds you, ran her off the track.
She held you when you needed it, and wiped away your tears.
She wanted just to love you, and calm all your fears.
But in the end, her heart was broken.
Those three words never again spoken.
The love of her life left her alone.
The pain in her heart hard like stone.
All because you lied to her face and to other girls.
But her love wont die, for you were, and still are her world.
Why?

distance kills.

Your face in my mind, its conned to rote
As days pass by, I make a mental note
Although shes not around, Im still in her heart
Although I cant hear a sound, her heart beats for me
And I think about you, and how life will be
I dont like this war, we need an end to this start
Every moment takes you further away
Im left with cold nights and long days

my teacher loved this one. haha.

If I walked away, would you follow?
If I jumped, would you hold my hand?
Would you sit with me when I felt low?
And if I fell of my feet, would you help me stand?
If I looked you in the eyes and told you the truth,
Would you look me in mine and say it too?

drive away.

I just wanna drive away
You in the passenger seat
Tell me, do you wanna drive away
And sit in the passenger seat?

They say we'll never work out
They say we dont know what we want
I say they dont know what theyre talkin bout
And baby, I know youre what I want

The road is there
We can just take off
Baby, look at the road there
You and me, lets take off

You can go on with your planned out life
And I can keep my dreams building
Or we could save dreams for the night
And make our own future, you and me

I just wanna drive away
You in the passenger seat
Tell me, do you wanna drive away
And sit in the passenger seat?

The road is there
We can just take off
Baby, look at the road there
You and me, lets take off

I just wanna drive away with you

youd do the same for me.

You cover it all up with something fake
A smile, a laugh, every day
You think everyone is convinced
But that look in your eye, I havnt missed

I can see youre fighting urges inside
Try all you want, but from me they dont hide
Let me be the one to know
Tell me it all, just let it go

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there


You just keep pleasing everyone else
Youre making everyone happy but yourself
You think nobody will understand
But baby, trust me, just hold my hand

I can see youre fighting urges inside
Try all you want, but from me they dont hide
Let me be the one to know
Tell me it all, just let it go

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

In your voice, U hear your plead
Something that says you want to bleed
But theres people whod hate to see you like this
So remove the blade away from your wrist

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

A shoulder to cry on, a kiss to pull the pain apart
A hug to comfort you with a steady beat from my heart
Rocking you back and forth, surrounding you with care
All because I love you, and know youre gonna be there

All because I love you, and I know youre gonna be there.

twilight.

I wrote this after eading Twilight.



Your eyes burned into mine
Like a forest fire
But I couldnt look away
And Ill never be the same

You say youre dangerous
Youre like a wild flower
Alluring its prey
And I cant stay away

When you pass me
I feel like I could fly
And you ask me
What if Im the bad guy
You tell me Im unreadable
But theres something you dont know

You smile and I just stare
You touch my skin
And I feel electricity
You completely dazzle me.

Its as if you can hear my heart
When you kiss my lips
With you I know Im safe
And Im not afraid

When you pass me
I feel like I could fly
And you ask me
What if Im the bad guy
You tell me Im unreadable
But theres something you dont know

Youtell me Imyour life now
And my scent is like a drug to you
You say the scarlett on my cheeks
Keeps you going strong

So heres that thing you dont know

You pass me
And I feel like I could fly
You ask me
What if Im the bad guy
And before you ever think to go
Theres one more thing you should know
Youre my hero.

leave lonely alone.

Shell never know I cried
When shewalked out the door
Shell never know I lied
When I said there wasnt more

Now her eyes are locked on mine
And I bite back my tears
Now her eyes hould fade in time
And alone Ill face my fears

old poems again.

Just some things I wrote last february.


Cant think straight
I can see you there
I see you stare
This is too great


I want more than friendship
I need more than that
I want you to be mine
I need to have you
Please want all that I want
Tell me you need it too


You can be as mad as a mad dog
But in the end,
Its still going to be the same


Please tell me this is a good truth
And not too good to be true

just a song.

When youre starin at her
And you can see it in her eyes
That shes holding back
But shes dying to tell you
What shes feeling inside
And all that shes hiding

When youre holding her hand
And you can feel it in the air
That things are ending
But still you go and tell her
What youre feeling inside
And all that youve been hiding

And as she walks away
Rain will fall from cloudy eyes
And as she fades away
Rain will fall from sunny skies
And as she moves on
Your world will fall to pieces
And as days go on
Your love only increases

So when youre holding her
And you feel her heart beating
That sweet rhythmic song
But you know she'll be leaving
What else is there to do
But remember that tune

And as she walks away
Rain will fall from cloudy eyes
And as she fades away
Say goodbye to sunny skies
And as she moves on
Your world will fall to pieces
And as days go on
Her love just decreases

he will heal your heart.

"I hate you. You ruined my life. Leave me the fuck alone."
"No. You don’t hate me. You love me, you said you always will, remember? You’re just saying that to protect yourself. You love me. I’m not going anywhere. I promised Id never leave."
"Fine, but I’m walking away."
"I’ll be waiting."

The near scolding hot water burns as Beth steps into the bathtub, and slides down to lay on her back. She glimpses at the edge of the tub, and sees the shiny silver. Her skin turns red as the water flows from the faucet. Extending her arm, she takes the razor into her hand, and feels the sharp edge softly pressing against her palm. She plays with it, staring at it, mesmerized by the way the light dances on it. Placing it between her thumb, pointer and middle finger, her hand sinks under the water. She pushes the razor firmly into her thigh, and drags it slowly. She lifts it from her skin and repeats- again and again and again, watching the red liquid mix with the clear liquid.
Everytime it starts the same; she only intends on a few scrapes, but then addiction takes over. Soon, she decides it’s not bleeding enough. She looks at her wrist, at the blue lines that bulge under her skin, marking rivers of blood covered by a canopy of skin. She pushes the corner of the razor in to the vein, and slides it down, but not deep enough to bleed. She turns the razor in a different direction on her wrist, making a small ladder up the veins, little dashes marking each step. This time she lets the crimson pain leak out. She plunges her wrist under water, feeling the hot ater burn the wounds.
And just the same, this isn’t enough either. But a year of this has taught her the perfect way to bleed. She sits up a little, so that her hip is out of the water. She quickly slashes the razor repeatedly across her hip, and the blood immediately pours from the open skin. Turning her body, she stares that the scar on her other hip where she branded herself as horrible. She traces over the word lightly, and watches the blood bead on the top of her skin. Then, she slices over the word several times, until the it is barely visible through the swollen, red and torn skin.
She drops the razor, and it sinks quickly to the bottom of the tub. Routinely, She stands from the water, and wraps a towel around her. She heads to her bedroom and gets dressed into her running clothes, boy shorts this time to cover any reminance of the pain she was feeling, not only physcially, but in every other way possible. She checks her phone one last time- no texts, no phone calls. The words spoken to her the night before were becoming more and more believable.
She leaves her weapon of choice under the phone, and the picture of them that mocks her continuously, right next to it.

Beth steps out into the cold, and snow flakes dance around her, bumping into her face as they tango with one another. She walks to the end of the driveway and turns left. Her legs carry her as fast as they can, but she hasn’t eaten in two days, and she hasn’t had water in three. Body shaking, stomach heaving, head pounding, lungs struggling, muscles fighting, she pushes forward, punishing herself with every ounce of. Soon, her fingers are numb, and her legs are red and purple from the harsh winds and her blood -what's left of it- trying to keep her warm. But she can’t stop now, the urge to run from everything is greater than any pain she's feeling.
The highway greets her with speeding cars and raspy mufflers. She stops; catching her breath, thinking twice about thinking twice on her decision. The sun warms her back, and nudges her forward. With one last glance at her seemingly perfect small town behind her, she takes off down the highway.
She runs until her legs give way, finding a place to rest under an overpass. Her body shivers, the sun no longer there to comfort her. She looks at her Ipod-her only way of knowing time, as if it mattered anymore anyway. She had been running for two and a half hours now, and she wasn’t about to give up just yet. Sitting soon became a bad idea, as thoughts flooded her mind. Watching the cars fly past her, she comes up with a new plan.
'The next car that goes by...' she tells herself.
The long strip of highway is silent for a few moments, as if giving her a chance to reconsider, but when she hears the rumbling of a truck getting closer, she stands. In seconds its five feet away, and she steps into its path. The driver swerves, the back bumper just touching her hip, knocking her over onto the asphalt. Breaks squeal as the truck pulls to the side of the road, and the driver gets out, screaming. It’s a man. And he’s yelling her name.
"Beth! Beth, what are you doing?!"
She lies in the road, staring at the bridge over her head, and she realizes she cant feel an ounce of pain. As a matter of fact, she cant feeling anything at all. But before she knows it, the man, who she discovers is a stranger, is picking her up in to his arms. She feels warm moisture dripping down her head, and she reaches up to touch it. Pulling her fingertips away form the liquid, she stares at it, astonished by how much blood is covering her fingers. He pulls her into his truck, and she feels the warm air blasting on her face from the heaters, and she realizes he's tlaking to her.

"What were you doing?"
"I don’t want to live."
"Too bad.”
"But she hates me."
"No, she doesn’t."
"You don’t even know who I’m talking about."
"Beth, Leah does not hate you."

She’s shocked.

"Who are you?"
"You are loved, Beth. You are loved, and you have plenty of people to care for you. And I will always take good care of you. I will always be here, even when it seems impossible that I am."
"Who are you?"

Beth's head begins to spin, and her words begin to drift from her mouth, and she grows silent as she falls asleep.
When she wakes up, she’s in her bed. She looks around her, shocked and confused. She gets up, still dizzy, and stumbles to her mirror. Her head is fine, there’s no blood. She looks closer though, and sees a small scar, just along her hair line. Pulling up her shorts, she finds that her cuts are gone, not even a single scar visible. She sits on her bed, as a million thoughts race and play tag through her head.
She can’t seem to come to any conclusion of what happened, or who the man was, or how she was here. But theres two thing shes sure of; she’s done with this. She will no longer bleed out her pain, no longer take her anger out on herself, and mark up who she was. The pain was hard, and most of the time unbearble, but if she kept this up, the scars would always remind her of that pain. Now, however, she had a chance to start over, a chance to make things right with herself. And she was going to take that chance, no questions asked. And the last thing thats for sure, God loves her, and he saved her.

dear god, are you there? its me.

Im praying to a God I dont believe in.



Why arent you ever heere to help me? Honestly, how am I suppose to keep going and believe in you if you dont give me reason, or more importantly, faith? Im falling, but your dangling a rope in front of me. However, that rope is turning into string. So tell me, what happens when that thin piece of string rips in two? Im having trouble believing in you, God. I use to believe that you only gave us problems you thought we were strong enough to handle. But I feel so weak. I feel all shaky, and Im losing the energy to keep going. And its not that everything keeps going wrong, its just that I feel empty. Ive never felt so hollow before. Ive never felt so alone. Ive felt this depressed before, but never so alone while dealing with it.
Why cant I feel you? Why wont you let me know youre here for me? Im starting to think youre not. That you wont be anymore.

I need help. I dont want it, but I need it. I need faith, I want faith. I need love. I need hope. I need happiness.

I dont deserrve any of that, but I need it.

Please God, if you really care, if you really love me...please help me.

when everything feels like the movies.

They say bad things happen for a reason.
But no wise words gonna stop the bleedin.



Why is it that the promises that Ive made to people that meant the most to them, seem to not mean anything to me? Key word: seem. They seem to not mean anything, however, they do. The promise I made to my friend Tyler, it means something to me. I swear it does. The promise I continuously made to Kyri. I broke it. She knows, she understands. I dont make that promise anymore. But I made that promise to Tyler, and I broke it. I break it all the time. And evertime, it makes me want to keep going, to do it more.
I cant help it. It is my drug, and at the same time, my anti-drug. Id rather do it than drink, or get stoned, or shoot up heroine. Id rather do it than anything else when Im upset, when Im hurt. It calms me down, makes me breathe. It brings me back to reality, and lets me know Im still alive, even though everything is hurting. It lets me know Im still alive even when I feel like Im dead.
I love running my fingertips over fresh wounds, feeling where the skin was split, then watching the beautiful crimson trickle out. I love seeing the little red beads of liquid appear on my skin, just before it turns into a dripping path. I love feeling the burn everytime I move for the first few days after a new mark.
I hate the scars that stay for months, reminding me why I did it. Reminding me that Im weak, and cowardly. I hate disappointing everyone, and letting everyone down, so I usually dont tell anyone. But then I hate lying, and keeping it from them. But most of all, I hate knowing that I need help, but I dont -want- help.
I try not to. I always fight the urge. I always fight and fight, but sometimes, most of the time, it gets me in a head lock, and I cant get out. It takes control of my body, and then it releases me, with each glide of the metal. But I need people to know its not that the promises mean nothing to me. Im just too weak to keep that promise. And it kills me to know Im too weak, it kills me when I break that promise, and that just makes me want to do it more. Maybe someday, Ill be ready to make that promise and keep it. Im counting on that.

life sentence.

I am not a good person in many ways.
My first real relationship was a mess to say the least. Yes, I loved her. More than a young love would be thought possible. But I was very possesive. I got mad at everything she did that somehow would put anything or anyone before me. I was jealous of every girl she made eye contact with. We fought constantly about her still having feelings for her exes, which she always denied. Part of me always knew she loved me, but part of me always doubted the faithfulness. Then I took Psychology and learned why. The answer is, when someone in a relationship picks fights, and has distrust in the other, its ebcause they feel guilty about something theyve done, so they worry that other person is going to do the same thing. So, because I had feelings for other people while she and I were together, how could it be possible for her to not have feelings for anyone else too? And then I started to get mad at myself. How could I love her so much yet be so unfaithful (only in my mind; I never cheated on her)?
OUr first summer together, I went away to summer camp. I met a girl named Alex. We didnt do anything. We almost kissed. I had a crush on her. I told my girlfriend about it, and we worked through it. Everything was okay.
Then, after a year, I found myself attracted to a girl named Emily. She was two years older than I, and at first, it was just me looking up to her, like a role model. But after I began to spend time with her, I began to develop feelings for her. And soon, I learned those feeligns were very mutual. We would talk about being together if we were both ever single in the future. We would flirst constantly. But we always stayed strong. Until one night, just a few days before she left for college, we were watching a movie on my couch. My legs were draped over her lap, and she began running her finger tips along my legs (I was wearing shorts). She made her way further up every few minutes, evenually reaching fabric, which she did not go under. Soon, she pulled her hand away as I pulled my legs away, and we talked about it. We knew we could not go any further. And then the next time was for me to tell my girl friend, and fix things with her.
Before the movie ended, I had Emily drive me to my girl friend's house. She wasnt home. She was at her Aunts house. The doors were locked, and it was 9 pm. But I sat outside, against the side of the house, waiting. Around midnight her and her dad rolled up. She jumped out of the car, confusion and worry flooding her facial expressions. I was crying, and she escorted me to her room, where she layed me down in her bed and began to take care of me; rubbing my back, putting blankets on me, telling me she loved me, trying to calm me down. She had no idea why I was crying. I just kept telling her to stop, I didnt deserve it; I didnt deserve her. Finally, I told her what happened. She was hurt, of course, but she held me. She LOVED me. Still.
Now, youre thinking, 'everyone makes mistakes'. So, okay, yes, I made one mistake. But let me tell you some more. A couple weeks later, I broke up with her. Not because I felt bad, or because we fought, or anything like that, but because I wanted to have sex with Emily. In conclusion of this paragraph, I am a whore.
We ended up getting back together. I realized that something was wrong with me breaking up with her for that reason. I realized I loved her too much to leave her for someone I had a crush on. I realized, for the first time ever, that I was a horrible person.
We lasted five more months, until I met another girl, named Ashley. Within two nights we were talking about having sex. Within five nights we were telling eachother that we liked each other. Within a week, naughty pictures were being exchanged through text, and within two weeks, I broke up with my girlfriend, to be with Ash. After a few weeks, I changed my mind. I hurt Ash, in order to take back my ex. But things were rough, and we only lasted a couple weeks, until I decided I needed to not be with anyone. But then I started talking to an old friend, who was gay. Her name was Rachel. Soon enough, she and I were together, and my ex was convinced I had left her for Rachel, while Ash was convinced I used her, and was now moving on to someone else to use. But Rachel and I didnt last long before things between Ash and I started back up. Not to mention that the couple weeks I was back with my ex, I was still flirting with Ash, and even sending pictures...not so very faithful of me. But I never cheated. Anyway, things with Ash and I heated up quickly yet again, and we were together, but not quite. Everything was going great, or so I thought. However, Ash and my ex had started talking. And now, finally, Ill introduce you to my ex. Her name is Kyri. Kyri and Ash had been talking. I knew Kyri liked Ash's best friend. And I was beginning to get suspicious of her liking Ash. But I knew Ash loved me. I knew Kyri didnt stand a chance with Ash. Until Kyri told Ash how I broke up with her to have sex with Emily. Ash, doing the very sane and smart thing, ran from me. But where did she run? Right into Kyri's arms. Ouch. Okay. I deserved that, did I not? I did. I really did. Because, I wasn't good enough for Ash. And I had hurt both her and Kyri. SO they could find solace in eachother...and I would understand that, no matter how literal that statment ended up.
However, after a while, they soon saw the pain I was gouing through, and because theyre better people than I am, they broke it off. They stopped everything. Ash and I began to fix things, and Kyri and I began to rekindle our friendship. Soon, Ash and I were in a relationship. And soon, I fucked everything up again by fucking Kyri. Yes, folks, I cheated. A few times. On her birthday, was the one time I remember the most. Not because it was so memorable or anything like that. But because I knew how horrible I was because it was my girlfriends birthday, and I was fucking someone else. I couldnt be with her. I broke up with her, made up excuses why. But I didnt tell her the truth because I was a coward. After the summer passed, and mroe flings happened that I hid from her, we decided to try again. We didnt last long before she moved away, and I broke up with her. I broke up with her because I had so many secrets that I hadnt told her, and I coudnt be in a relationship with her while the guilt ate away at me.
After that, I tired to make her hate me, because I didnt want to be with her, and hurt again. I had decided that I didnt want to ever be in a relationship again because I was too damn horrible and undeserving of that kind of love. Soon, I told her about cheating on her. We worked through it. And some how, she still loved me. But we remained just friends. But like always with her and I, we ended up back at the beginning. I wanted to be with her again, but I knew I had to make the slate clean. So I told her the otherhorrifying secrets I had. The betrayal and lies I had been keeping from her. I can't tell you what those things were, but they were right up there with the cheating. It could possibly even be considered worse. I would consider it worse.
We worked through it. We were together. We made it a month. One whole month. The longest we had ever made it. And I broke up with her. We got in one small fight, and I ended it. Because I am a coward. Because I am not good enough for her. Because I am unworthy of the love that she gives me, and continues to give me even though were not together.
I am a horrible person. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever been in. I have cheated, lied, betrayed and broken promises. I have been ungrateful, selfish, and rude. I have been everything I would hate in someone else. I have been a horrible person. I do not believe that I deserve love, or happiness.
I believe I deserve life, as my punishment. A long life. A long, lonely life. My punishment, my sentence. I deserve life, because I am horrible, and life is tortorous, especialy alone.

minor details.

She knows every mark on her lover's body.
She knows the yellow spots in her deep blue eyes, the left one more vibrant and visible than the right one.
She knows the way the cartelidge at the top of her left ear stays closed, unlike everyone else's ears.
She knows the white birth mark, that trails from the middle of her ribs, down her stomach, into the shape of rainbow, around her left side, up her back, and down her left arm, twisting around to her under arm, stopping just above her elbow.
She knows the small, dark birth mark, in the shape of a fish on her left hip bone.
She knows the white blotchy birth mark on the back of her right calf.
She knows the small, dark birth mark, just to the right of her belly button, and the freckle just to the left of it.
She knows her freckles; the one on her neck, the one on her chin, the one on her wrist, the one on her right big toe, the one on her right calf, the ones on her shoulders, and the one just near her right elbow.
She knows the mole on her right thigh, along her bikini line, and the one at the top of her butt, on the right side.
She knows every scar, from the short line between her ribs, to the parallel lines on her thighs. She knows the scars that line her pelvis, and the ones that darken her hips. She knows the scar on her left pointer finger, right at the last knuckle. She knows the one on the inside of her right wrist, and the one that looks like a sad face on her right palm. She knows the ones on her knees, and the ones on her ankles, and the ones on both shins. And she knows the one that is just a darkened circle around her right elbow.
She knows every curve and bump, every perfection and flaw, of her lover's body.
As she kisses her, and touches her, she takes in all of these details. She memorizes them. For one day, they could be gone.

self hatred.

Im on edge today. Im ready to snap. Im afraid that I will snap in school. Im afraid that Ill break down during school. So much of me wants to run and hide. But Im resisting. I feel horrible. I am horrible. Im so not a good person. I feel like the exact person Ive always hated. The kind of person that Ive always been afraid of. Im turning into what I fear, and I cant stand it.
Last night I did something to someone I swore I wouldnt do. I broke that promise, the one that meant so much to her. And I dont know how to think or feel right now. Everything is so confusing. I cant seem to sort through my own thoughts long enough to even breathe. Im sorry, that I broke this promise. Im sorry Im not who I said I was and that Im not the person I wish I could be. Im changing, and I despise this fact.
I dont understand why everything is so hard right now. I dont understand why I cant ever be content, and I cant ever be just happy. I always find something wrong with me or the other people around me. But more so with just me lately. Everyday I find a new thing I dont like about myself. But damn, Ive been doing a good job lately at hiding my self loathing. Its sad, really, how easily I can put on a smile and pretend Im okay with who I am. Its sad that sometimes I even convince myself that everything is okay, and thats its normal to be hurting while wearing a smile.
I dont know where this is going. I just needed to write. I havnt been doing it nearly enough lately. I miss it. I miss who I use to be. When I loved who I was. When I was okay with myself and my querks and flaws. But this new me, this worthless, self hating, lying, bitch that Ive become, is not someone I want anything to do with. And thats one of the weirdest feelings in the world. Not wanting anything to do with yourself. I wish I could leave myself alone. That I could make myself go away.
I wish I was okay.

acceptance.

Have you ever had a bad experience, that you thought would ruin your life? You thought it would tear you apart, and shred you to pieces, and leave you to die, and rot on the floor, only for your carcass to be eaten by a pack of wolves? Ive had those moments. Ive experienced that feeling. And lately, theres been a struggle between a close one and I that revolves around that moment. She doesnt understand that the wolves never ate my carcass. That I am-no doubtedly-still in one piece; uncracked, and unharmed. Every piece is in its designated place.
When it all happened, I was scared. I thought it was the end. End of what, I dont know. But I cried. It wasnt a sobbing, bawling my eyes out kind of cry. It was a soft, realization kicking in kind of cry. These were tears my eyes rarely had encountered. I sat there, on the little bed, my feet dangling. I stared at the tiled floor, eyes locked in place. I was terrified, and the questions spinning around in my head only scared me more. What would people think? How did this happen? What will I do? But the question that was most vivid in my head, that was screaming, that I was asking myself repeatedly was: Why me?
It could have happened to anyone. Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? I thought about this. I racked my brain for weeks. What the hell did I do to fucking deserve this?! I was a good kid. I was happy before this. Why me? My thoughts wouldnt leave me alone. My thoughts had stolen a car, and were speeding dangerously fast, just managing to not hit every object as they drove. But then it happened. And I dont know why.
They hit a brick wall.
The thoughts stopped. I forgot it happened. Let me restate that so you understand, and can grip what I am saying. I forgot what had happened. I FORGOT the pain. I forgot the thoughts, the questions, the fears, the worries. I forgot it all. Acceptance set in, with its own grace and elegance. I accepted what happened, and I was finally okay. Yes, its something I will live with the rest of my life. But everything that has ever happened to me is something I will live with for the rest of my life, so why should this one bad thing make any bit of a difference? It shouldnt, and Ive made the decision not to let it. I have accepted what happened. I have accepted that it is a part of me now. It doesnt change me, or who I am, or the person I have been or will be.
I accepted it. I dont know how I did, I dont even recall the actual act of accepting it. I guess it-"it" meaning the acceptance-crept in on its own, and decided to take the wheel of the hi-jacked car. The airbag cushioned the blow, so I was okay. I am okay.